Scandalacious Princess
by LostOzian
Summary: Fiyero uses a rather desperate technique to make Elphaba fall in love with him. Fiyeraba, imaginary Gelphie, and now with Gloq! Yay! After the Lion Cub, but before Elphaba goes off to the city. BONUS CHAPTER!
1. Drag Princess

**Disclaimer: Wicked is not mine. This is the fic that is punishing Fiyero for that time when Boq, Glinda, Nessa, and the Wizard refused to work with the RENTies. Because an act like that deserves to be punished. Okay, I will tell you here and now: There is no Gelphie. In this fic, there is no such thing as Gelphie. Elphaba would slap anyone who thinks that there is Gelphie. Fiyero is practically hallucinating. I initially got the idea from The Pixess, who wrote a RENT oneshot where Mark went drag queen so he could make Maureen love him again. I based this off of that. I don't want to think of what this would do to the plot of Wicked; so don't ask me. LONG disclaimer, sorry about that. Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

Fiyero left the classroom, his sieve-like brain trying to retain the main details that would be on the exam. Oz, was he out of practice at remembering things like this. Usually it was girl's names, favorite flowers, and dorm room numbers; not locations, dates, and treaties. He would have to ask Elphaba later about everything he was bound to forget.

_Speaking of Elphaba…_ Fiyero scanned the small river of released student for the green girl. She was near the front, maybe fifteen feet ahead of him, walking with Galinda. She did that a lot; understandably, because as far as he could tell, Galinda was her only friend. He watched her- well, them- walking for a little while.

The longer he watched, the more he became convinced his mind was playing tricks on him. Squinting at the two, he tried to discount his rising suspicions. Were they laughing a little too much? Is that really how close together best friends usually walk? Was that really the look Fiyero had so longed for being directed at Galinda…?

Fiyero broke into a run, recklessly passing the girls as he sprinted across campus for his own private suite. Thoughts he had never dreamed possible swam in his mind, clouding his vision. Finally, he reached his room and slammed the door behind him.

_She… She's… Elphaba is in love with Galinda! _Fiyero pulled at his hair in a display of angst that would have made his extensive fan-base swoon. Why did things like this happen to him!? He finally finds a girl that he's truly in love with and she's a _lesbian!_ He fell down on the bed, cursing fate with all his might.

_All hope is not lost, _A little voice said.

_Of course all hope is lost! She likes girls, and I'm a guy. _Fiyero beat himself up internally.

_You don't have to be._

_Be a what?_

_A guy._

_You make no sense, little voice! I was born a guy, I have to be a guy!_

_Come on, don't give up. If you truly love her you could find a way around that. _Fiyero thought about that for a minute. A way around being a guy?

_Elphaba and Galinda had been bitter enemies, yet are now in love. All it took was a chance for them to get to know each other. _The little voice prompted. Wait… Fiyero stood and started pacing, trying to think of a plan based on that little situation.

Elphaba would be attracted to a female. Right? Right. And all it took for her to fall in love with said female, Galinda, was a chance to know her personally. So she would have still fallen in love with Galinda if Galinda had been male. Right?

Right…

_So she might fall in love with me if she got to know me, regardless of orientation._ Fiyero caught sight of himself in the mirror, staring closely at his reflection. Six foot even, hair cut short, keeps a romantic amount of stubble. Hopelessly masculine. He weighed how hard it would be to pull it off against how far he was willing to go to win Elphaba's love.

With resolve, he left his room. He had a lot of shopping to do.

In the girl's department.

* * *

"Was…was that Fiyero?" Galinda asked, stunned. The two had practically been blown out of the way by the speed.

"I think it was…" Elphaba said, trying to keep her heart from speeding up in worry. _Get a hold of yourself, Elphaba! Off...Limits!_ "Is he okay?"

"I don't know…" Galinda said, her lip starting to quiver. "Maybe he's sick."

"We'll check on him in a little bit," Elphaba said, careful to make sure it didn't sound like she cared. She wasn't about to lose her first and only friend to her crush on Fiyero. "I mean, if he's not sick, it would look silly if we followed him." Galinda agreed, calmed for now by Elphaba's plan. Elphaba looked down at the floor, trying in vain to convince herself she wasn't hoping Fiyero was sick so she had an excuse to visit him.

* * *

Fiyero was barely recognizable. Long blonde wig, makeup, impossibly close shave (the hardest thing of all- it taken an hour to make sure it was close enough without nicking himself), a dress, and masterfully stuffed chest.

"Welcome, Princess of the Vinkus," he experimented in a falsetto. _Not even my parents would be able to tell it was me, _he smiled, taking off the wig and preparing for bed. _Let alone Elphaba. _


	2. Pretending to Read Counts

**Disclaimer: Wicked was not, is not, and never will be mine. Which is why I write fanfiction. Virtiual cookies to anyone who figures out the name. Yeah. Still no Gelphie, I will remind people of that with every chapter. Friendship Gelphie if you have to say there is some. On to the STORY! WHOO! -LostOzian**

* * *

Elphaba stood after Galinda in line in the coffee shop, thinking about all that had happened in the past two days. They hadn't seen Fiyero at all after he had ran past them like he was about to be killed, and the next day he had announced that his parents wanted him home over spring break for a public appearance or something of the sort. He wasn't that clear. And so, on this ordinarily lovely Saturday morning, Fiyero had left them both for the Vinkus, and Galinda had wanted some hot chocolate to dull the sudden pain of losing her boyfriend for the next week. 

And Elphaba couldn't blame her. She already felt like something was missing in spite of herself. Still, she tried to bottle down the feeling. Galinda was like her sister, and years of living with Frex had trained her to think that the sister is always the important one. But that couldn't keep her from liking Fiyero.

Elphaba turned around, staring out at the occupants of the coffee shop. Everybody was busy, happily chatting away, but there was one quiet corner that caught her eye.

A girl, shoulders hunched over, was reading a book. Her steaming cup of coffee was sitting in front of her, apparently forgotten. The girl's blonde hair fell around her face in a curtain, keeping the noise and discord at bay. Elphaba left Galinda, walking over to the girl curiously. The girl kept reading, oblivious to Elphaba's approach.

"_The Oziad_?" Elphaba asked, reading a few lines over the girl's shoulder. The girl started, looking up at Elphaba. And, miraculously, the girl didn't cringe or anything.

"Oh…yeah," she said nervously. "It's my favorite. I read it over and over again." Elphaba stared at her, amazed. Her image did not say 'bookworm' at all; white blouse worthy of Galinda and a long pale blue skirt, and yet here she was, reading one of the great epics.

"Do you like the classics?" Elphaba pulled up the other chair in the tiny table and sat down, watching the girl. She seemed shy, reserved, and as anyone else would describe her, 'adorably sweet'. The girl nodded enthusiastically, still blinking at Elphaba.

"I'm Elphaba," Elphaba said, immediately taking a liking to the girl, whoever she was. If you read _The Oziad_ over and over, you couldn't be all bad.

"Ritiga…Ritiga Lyrufgeo," the other girl said. "That's why I love the Oziad so much-"

"-You're named after Ritiga of Aeglis." Ritiga brightened.

"She's my favorite character in the whole book!" Elphaba allowed herself a little smile.

"Mine too," she said, before the conversation ended lightly. Ritiga kept glancing down at her book, reading a few lines and then looking up at Elphaba again.

"You know," Elphaba said after a while. "I think you're the first person I met who hasn't cringed at first sight of me." Ritiga smiled, laughter in her eyes.

"Well, you must meet some really stupid people, don't you?" Elphaba stopped. Fiyero had said something like that, the day with the Lion cub. Was Ritiga really that similar to Fiyero?

"Elphie! You disappeared on me!" The two girls turned to see Galinda walking toward them, two hot chocolates in her hand. "I had to guess what you would order so I wouldn't lose my place in line!" Elphaba turned back to Ritiga.

"Ritiga, this is my roommate, Galinda," Elphaba said. "And Galinda, this is Ritiga."

"Nice to meet you," Ritiga said. Galinda blinked once before turning to Elphaba.

"Elphie, you just introduced me to someone!" she exclaimed, grabbing Elphaba's shoulders and rocking her back and forth in a hug. Elphaba grimaced at the childish display, but 'Ritiga' didn't notice the pained expression. "That means you made a friend!" Galinda finally let go. Rubbing at her shoulders, Elphaba glanced at Galinda.

"That brings the grand total up to two," she said sarcastically, before turning back to Ritiga. "I hope you don't mind if we join you? It's kind of rude of us to just sit down and start talking to you,"

"Oh, it's all right." Ritiga said, smiling slightly. "It's nice to have people to talk to."

_Phase one working so far…_ Fiyero, alias Ritiga, thought, beating himself up about the obvious 'stupid people' comment. _Just as long as she doesn't suspect anything. _

_

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_

**Note from Lady Tiggular: Anyone hoping for updates to her stories (off of FFdotNet) should send an email to beautifully(underscore)tragic09(at)yahoo(dot)com. That should show up. -LostOzian**


	3. Ozercrombie Time

**Disclaimer: Long chappie! Yay! Well... this is the cliche chapter. The only difference is that Fiyero 'is' a girl. Still no Gelphie, Elphaba's just in a generally charitible mood. Did I spell charitible right? Hmm... I don't own Wicked. Or anything I 'ripped off' in this chapter. -LostOzian**

* * *

Ritiga fit in quite nicely with Elphaba, Fiyero desperately grasping at what hastily learned nerdy facts he could remember. Thankfully, Fiyero managed to get Elphaba rambling about a book that "you would absolutely love, Ritiga, if you like _The Oziad_." Galinda was getting pushed further and further out of the picture, which also could be considered a part of Fiyero's master 'Make Elphaba bi instead of lessie' plan. If Elphaba and Galinda was a secret item, Elphaba kind of had to fall out of love with Galinda.

"Well, what should we do now?" Galinda interrupted Elphaba's rant. "We're at the mall already, so I think we should-"

"Oh! They have a big bookstore here. I saw it on my way in," Fiyero said. Elphaba's eyes lit up. Galinda blinked in surprise.

"Oh. Okay," she said, before adding, "But I'll only go in with you if you promise to go into Ozercrombie with me." 'Ritiga' was about to protest when Elphaba shrugged.

"Fine," she said. "You didn't get to properly 'popularify' me after Fiyero's party," Galinda smiled wolfishly, a look Fiyero had never seen before. _The sooner Elphaba loves me, the better. I'll get away from her, _Fiyero thought, quite honestly scared of both Galinda and the prospect of Ozercrombie. Trying on clothes. So much could go wrong, especially with a fake chest. And Elphaba had agreed to it? She was by a landslide the least fashionable girl in Shiz, and Galinda could convince her to go into Ozercrombie just like that? A bad sign.

The two roommates looked at Ritiga for her input. Fiyero gulped. Elphaba wanted to go to Ozercrombie? Then so did Ritiga.

"I'm okay with it," he said, as the little party stood up and left the coffee shop, starting out into the mall.

"Are you two done yet?" Galinda called back into the bookstore. Elphaba and Fiyero had practically buried themselves in books, pulling ones off shelves, reading a few chapters, taking it themselves or giving it to the other. Fiyero staggered under the tower he had compiled, not saying no to a single book Elphaba passed his way. _If I'm going to make this act work…_ he thought as he approached the checkout.

"Yeah, I think so," Elphaba said, her stack of 'must reads' a tad taller than Fiyero's. Galinda's jaw dropped.

"For Oz sake, Elphaba! You'll be reading until the end of time!" she exclaimed. Elphaba smiled warmly, the happiest Fiyero had ever seen her. _And she's smiling at Galinda… not good._

"Maybe," said, eyeing the pile. "Most likely until the end of the month." Fiyero laughed, hoping Elphaba would continue to notice her and forget the _naturally_ female blonde.

"Well, hurry up!" Galinda said, starting to bounce up and down the way only Galinda could. "It's _Ozercrombie _time!" Fiyero rolled his eyes.

"Oh no," he said. Elphaba looked up concernedly.

"If you don't want to, you don't have to," she said. Fiyero shook his head.

"No, I'll do it," he said. "I just never really pay attention to fashion." Galinda let out a squeak.

"Oh, Ritiga! Gini Yope blouse, twenty nine dollars at Ozton Belks, and a Wizzette Collection skirt with pleats, thirty-four dollars at Pops!" she rattled off. Fiyero looked surprised. He hadn't expected Galinda to know this was exactly in fashion. It was so hard to know exactly how much like Elphaba and how much like Galinda he should be.

"This is Gini Yope?" he asked, pulling at the blouse. Elphaba laughed.

"That would be my reaction," she said. Fiyero started laughing again, trying to keep it sounding naturally feminine.

"Miss?" the man at the counter said. "Excuse me, miss? Miss!" He pulled on Fiyero's sleeve, causing him to jump. "It's your turn."

"Oh!" he said, blushing. He had to get used to being called 'miss', not 'master'. "Sorry," Elphaba rolled her eyes behind him.

Finally, they were both paid for. Fiyero couldn't believe how heavy some books were. Galinda was bouncing off the walls now, bounding ahead of them.

"Come on! Hurry up! Ozercrombie! _Ozercrombie_!" Elphaba walked with Fiyero, also weighed down by objects of the papery kind.

"Ozercrombie! Ozercrombie!" she muttered, doing a dark imitation of Galinda's overexcited tone. Fiyero laughed.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Fiyero repeated, hoping Elphaba's disinterest would get him out of having to change clothes with the girls so near. Elphaba shook her head.

"No," she said. "I kind of want to." Fiyero barely hid his surprise. Was this more proof Elphaba was in love with Galinda? "Galinda always treats me like I'm normal. I mean, she matches clothing to my… unnatural… verdigris, but she just blows over it like it doesn't matter." Elphaba looked up at Fiyero with an honest look that made his heart skip.

"You kind of do that, too." Elphaba said. "And I'm thankful for that."

"You're welcome," Fiyero said, trying not to sound too… well, smitten.

They reached the glass doors of Ozercrombie, Galinda already inside and throwing skirts, blouses, and dresses into a three piles.

"Elphaba, Ritiga, me." Galinda said curtly, pointing at the piles in turn and barely slowing down in her clothing hunt. "They should fit." Fiyero dropped the books by the door, staring at his pile in disbelief. The clothing was so _small_ when he looked at it. He hadn't expected having to go shopping. Elphaba picked up her pile, grimacing slightly but going to the changing room. Fiyero glanced to Galinda, then Elphaba, and followed the green girl's lead. He hoped his plan wouldn't end here, done in by a fashionable frock.

Changing was going well. In the privacy of the stall, Fiyero didn't have to worry about anyone barging in on him. He was isolated enough to adjust everything so that it looked natural before going out and modeling. Occasionally, Galinda had knocked, trying to get him to hurry up, but she never entered the stall. _Thank Oz. _

Finally, it was all over. Neither girl had said anything about him appearing masculine, or noticed if his clothes rode funnily. Like a skirt should on a guy.

"Ritigaaa…" Galinda whined as the shopping excursion ran out of enthusiasm. "You didn't try on the tube top!" Fiyero looked back into the stall, the impossibly small, stretchy, and most of all, pink, excuse for a shirt lying in the corner.

"I…didn't like how it fit," Fiyero lied. He hadn't even tried to find a way to try it on; it would have been obvious he didn't have any chest if he wore it. "I don't look good in it."

"Please, Ritiga? I picked it because you would!" Galinda kept insisting, her irritatingly high voice starting to hurt his ears. "Please, pretty please, with strawberry ice cream and cherry pastries and pinkified ponies and lipstick and-"

"How about this," Elphaba cut off Galinda's pink-filled pleading. "I'll try it on if you stop bugging Ritiga." Fiyero's breath caught in his throat.

Elphaba. In a tube top. He must have died and not realized it. Galinda squealed.

"You would, Elphie? Aww! Go ahead!" Galinda plucked the top off of the floor and practically threw it at Elphaba. She sat down on the couch beside the mirror, causing the whole sofa to bounce as she jumped on it.

"Elphaba has such a great figure, but she always wears horrendible frocks," Galinda explained. "It's about time she wore something flattering!" Fiyero stopped, almost forgetting his feminine persona as he responded.

"How do you know Elphaba has a great figure if she doesn't show it?" Galinda was about to respond when Elphaba opened the door again, practically blinding Fiyero in glorified hotness.

The pink went excellently with green, the tube top showing off just enough without appearing immoral. And she paired it with a short black skirt, the thing barely reaching to her mid thigh. Fiyero embedded that image in his mind forever. He didn't even care if he got caught anymore, having just seen Elphaba go from intriguingly tragic girl to absolute _goddess_ made it all worth it.

"Well?" Elphaba said sarcastically, hands on now-visible hips. He didn't even know she had hips like that until this shopping trip. "Are you happy?"

"Happy?!" Galinda shrieked. "Elphie, you're drop-dead gorgeous! You absolutely have to get that outfit!" Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"No, Galinda. I will never wear it anywhere." Elphaba said. Galinda huffed.

"I'll make sure you get to wear it! Invite you to every single social event ever!" Elphaba looked shocked.

"Then these clothes will never leave the store with me," Elphaba said decisively. Galinda made a small sound of horror.

"Ritiga, tell her she _needs_ to own that top and skirt!" Hearing his 'name', Fiyero was snapped out of the sort of trance. Well, almost.

"You're beautiful," he said simply, before realizing he had barely changed his voice. He made a big show of coughing, before looking at Elphaba again. _Damn, she was hot._ Especially when she looked at him like that, one eyebrow raised suspiciously. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone look that good in a tube top," he added.

"You okay, Ritiga?" Elphaba asked. Fiyero paled slightly. She suspected something. He would have to watch out. Thankful the makeup covered most of his fear, Fiyero smiled.

"I'm fine," he said. "You need to get that outfit, or at least that top." Elphaba looked at herself in the mirror, practically chewing over whether she wanted it or not.

"Nah," she said. "I'll never wear it." Galinda groaned.

"Elphie, you need to read Ozmopolitan more often!" she said. "What you wearing is at the cutting edge of fashion right now!" Elphaba looked at Galinda with a mock expression of fear.

"Back on the rack it goes, then!" she said, barely waiting until she was in the stall to start changing back. Fiyero scrunched his eyes shut to keep from drooling at the sight of her beginning to change. Galinda flopped back on the couch, completely bounced-out.

"Elphie should _so_ get that tube top," she complained. Fiyero looked back at her. Maybe if he targeted Galinda, she would get out of the picture.

"Why? So you can see her looking like some kind of hooker?" he said. Galinda sat up, staring at Fiyero incredulously.

"Are you saying…do you think…" Galinda was about to spit it out when the changing stall door flew open and she was attacked by the tube top and miniskirt.

"There!" Elphaba crowed at her roommate, fully reverted into the nerdy green girl. "I hope you're happy I did that!"

"She's overjoyed," Fiyero muttered so Galinda could hear him. Galinda removed the clothing from her face, shooting daggers at Fiyero.

"Let's go back to the room, Elphie," Galinda said. Elphaba looked at her strangely, before turning to Fiyero.

"Where are you staying?" she asked.

"The Oziott," he said. Elphaba's jaw dropped.

"That's on the other side of town!" she said. "Do you know how to get back?" Fiyero stopped, playing to what he wanted her to do.

"Oh, Oz…" he slumped his shoulders. "I found this place by wandering! I don't know how to get back!" Galinda smirked.

"Dumb blonde…" she said softly, and only Fiyero heard her. _Oh, take a look at who's talking!_ Elphaba turned to Galinda, but hadn't heard her blonde friend's jibe.

"Galinda, you go back to the room. I'll help Ritiga get to the Oziott." Galinda looked back at Fiyero, looking a bit like some predator that had just had its territory infringed upon.

"Fine," she said. "_Whatever_." Elphaba had stopped paying attention when Galinda said 'fine'.

"Are you actually buying anything?" Elphaba asked. Fiyero shook his head. He had more female clothing than he could possibly want in the room at the Oziott. "Good. Neither am I. We can go now," Elphaba picked up her bag of books and handed Fiyero's to him. Following Elphaba out of the Ozercrombie, Fiyero couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief.

He had survived shopping though girl's clothing with Elphaba present.


	4. Ozmopolitan Takes a Back Seat

**Disclaimer: Oz, I hope nobody's getting out of character... Still no Gelphie. Galinda's horrified that Fiyero suggested it, and Elphaba would still slap you if you did. Finally, some straight Fiyeraba to break the lessie suspicions! And I would slap you if you suggested I owned Wicked, but only because I'm supposed to. I really, really, really want to own Wicked. -singing- Don't wish... Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

Fiyero could barely believe it; Elphaba had volunteered to escort him back to the hotel. Thing were going better than imagined if she was willing to do this.

_Or maybe she's just thoughtful that way…_ the part of Fiyero's mind that had first encouraged him to pursue this outrageous plan said. Fiyero guessed that was the part that loved her the most. Just as he was about to explore why said brain section thought like that, Elphaba spoke.

"I just realized the only thing I really know about you is your name and what you read," she said, expecting Fiyero to tell her about Ritiga. Fiyero went over his story quickly to make sure all the facts were straight. Elphaba would see right through it if he said Ritiga was 'the Winkie princess'.

"I'm from the Glikkus," Fiyero said. "My father runs a travel agency there, designed to make the unhappy leave and the happy come. He insisted that I… well, 'backpack' across Oz to find out everything I could about tourist destinations instead of a formal education." Elphaba's eyes widened.

"Traveling instead of university?" Elphaba said incredulously. "Wow… I'm just from Munchkinland." Fiyero practically perked up, jumping on the chance to support his story.

"Munchkinland, the Eastern side of Oz. Known for the comical height of most of its inhabitants and agricultural fairs. Popular destinations include Munchkin Rock and the Tomb to the Unknown Munchkin." Elphaba nodded, impressed. _I knew I could learn that junk!_

"I'll bet you never failed a geography test," Elphaba said. Fiyero laughed at the irony of it all. Ever since he started school, he had made it a point to fail every test they passed at him. Now, he was faced with at test he wanted to pass more than anything else: pretending to be a girl.

"No, I didn't," Fiyero said jokingly. "Have you?" Elphaba shook her head.

"No," she said. "I like the concept of tests. They show you who you really are, and it doesn't matter what you look like." Fiyero watched her for a while as they walked. She didn't even know how beautiful she was; she thought she needed to do well in examinations to succeed.

"Shiz is my last stop, though." Fiyero said, trying to make sure he had the dates right. Today was Saturday, spring break ended Sunday, Fiyero 'came back' on Saturday, so Ritiga had to be gone by… "This Friday, I'm supposed to go home and start work at the agency." Six more days. He hoped it was enough time. Elphaba looked at him.

"You sound sad about it," Elphaba said. "Do you not want to go home?" Fiyero looked off into the distance theatrically, glad she was staying on grounds where he could make something up and it would become 'fact'.

"When I left home, I thought about how wonderful Oz is. How much there is to see, things to do, people to meet," Fiyero paused. "I thought I would fall in love somewhere along the line. But I haven't, and I go home in a week." Elphaba stopped, and Fiyero took a few steps by accident.

"We're here," she said quietly. Fiyero turned around, surprised at her solemnity. They just looked at each other for a moment.

"I… I hope you find him," Elphaba said. "The one you'll fall in love with." Fiyero nodded, his mind racing with these new 'thoughts' of his.

_It's a her, _he thought. _It's a her I'm in love with, and she's standing right here with me, but she doesn't know it... _On the spur of the moment, Fiyero came up with and idea. A desperate, reckless idea that could spell the end of everything, but he ran with it.

"Have you met anyone from the Glikkus before?" he asked. Elphaba shook her head. Heart racing, Fiyero leaned in, kissing her once on the left cheek, once on the right, and after a moment's hesitation, lightly on the lips. As he drew back, Fiyero tried to read Elphaba's expression. It was such a jumble of reactions. Shock, confusion, curiosity, even the tiniest flicker of disappointment. Why in Oz would she be disappointed?

"It's how we say goodbye," Fiyero said. "To people we consider a friend." With that, Fiyero opened the gate to the Oziott, glowing privately in his little victory.

_I managed to kiss Elphaba! Sure, in a made-up farewell custom, but I kissed her! And she didn't hit me! And she doesn't think anything strange is going on! Well, probably. She_ probably_ doesn't think anything strange is going on!_ Fiyero entered the Oziott, walking down hallways until he reached the sanctuary of his rented room.

He dropped the books on the chair, ripping off the wig. Oz, that thing got itchy after a few hours. Immediately he retreated into the bathroom, starting to wash off the thick makeup. Feeling much more like himself instead of his alter ego, he lay down on the bed. Glancing at the bag of books, Fiyero pulled one out of the top randomly. Elphaba would expect 'Ritiga' to be well read. The cliff notes on _The Oziad_ had barely been enough. He would actually have to read something.

* * *

Elphaba stood there dumbly, trying to make sense of what Ritiga had just done. She kissed her once… twice… and once on the lips. Did that count as her first kiss? Her first kiss with a _girl_?! 

Well, when she thought about it, she was less upset about the girl part than she probably should be. It was more because in some deep, dark corner of her mind, she had half-heartedly imagined her first kiss would be with Fiyero. But then she would always realize that that was impossible. Fiyero and Galinda. Two plus two. Or in their case, one plus one to _make _two; a couple. Fiyero kissing her would make one plus one equal three. You couldn't just defy laws like that, ones that fit better than any glove.

Elphaba touched her cheek, still thinking of how Ritiga had just _kissed_ her, out of the blue.

_"It's how we say goodbye… to people we consider a friend."_ Ritiga's parting words echoed in Elphaba's head. She smiled in spite of herself. Ritiga was opening up her culture to a _friend_. A month ago, friendship with people would have been one of her wildest dreams. Now, she had two. Okay, three if Galinda's stalker, Boq, could really be considered her friend, _maybe_ four if Nessa, one of the people required to tolerate her as family, counted.

_No… It's _five she thought as she turned her back on the hotel for her dorm. _Nessa, Galinda, Boq, Ritiga, and Fiyero. Since we'll never be together, he can at least be my friend._ Five friends.

Funny how friends just appeared when you started counting them.

* * *

Galinda flipped the pages of her Ozmopolitan magazine, barely registering the various articles and tabloids on each page. Ritiga was such a _puzzle_, a puzzle she didn't want to think about during the lazy week of spring break. She paid so much attention to Elphaba; well, maybe that was just the way geeks worked, but then she had the nerve- the _nerve_- to accuse her of lesbian-ism (or whatever it's supposed to be called) toward Elphie! Honestly! Not every female pair that shared a dorm room was lesbian! 

Another page flip, and Galinda stared down at the blaring title. _Idinel and Kristeth 'coming out'?! _With a scream of frustration, Galinda hurled the magazine across the room, where it landed on Elphaba's bed, cover page bending in the process.

"I still won't read it," Elphaba's sarcastic voice came from the doorway. "You can throw it at me all you want, Ozmopolitan will always take a back seat to…" Elphaba pulled a book out of her bag, reading the title. "The Descent of the Abode of Holzman." (**Total Poe reference there. 'The Fall of the House of Usher'. I couldn't resist.**)

"Elphaba, what do you think of Ritiga?" Galinda asked suddenly. Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"We just met her, I'm not going to pick her apart with gossip," Elphaba declared, sorting out her new books in the drawers of her bedside table. Galinda kicked her feet back and forth in the air. It was hard to bounce when you were lying down.

"Elphie, just tell me what you think of her!" Galinda insisted. Elphaba paused, staring at the cover of one book.

"She's kind," she said simply. "And she doesn't care about my skin. She's trusting… interesting…" Elphaba touched her left cheek, barely even paying attention to Galinda anymore. Her face turned a darker shade of green, a shade Galinda had come to recognize as her friend's peculiar blush.

"That all?" Galinda asked, Elphaba's impression of Ritiga contrasting sharply with her roommate's.

"We're starting to gossip," Elphaba said hurriedly, returning to her project of unpacking her books. Galinda watched her for a moment.

"Elphie," Galinda said gently. "What's wrong?" Elphaba stopped, the color in her face starting to turn back to normal.

"Nothing," Elphaba said. "It's nothing. Ritiga, she just…kind of, well, reminded me…of someone." She started to organize her side of the room a bit more, putting half-cleaned up things back where they came from, neatly folding shirts and skirts before putting them away. Galinda kept watching, trying to find out exactly what Elphaba was keeping a secret.

_She'll tell me when she's ready. _Galinda decided, shoving her curiosity in a box and locking it.


	5. Bring On the Munchkin

**Disclaimer: Long chappie! I don't own Wicked, thanks to GofG for telling me how violin sizes work. Ta. -LostOzian**

* * *

Fiyero sat outside Unigi's, waiting for Elphaba and friends to show up. He remembered that they had planned on investigating the new restaurant long before Fiyero found out Elphaba was a lesbian, but had been pleasantly surprised to find a letter at the front desk of the Oziott, inviting him along. It had mentioned Boq and Nessa, along with detailed directions to the restaurant and hints that Galinda didn't want him to come. The very thought that Elphaba had invited him in spite of what Galinda thought made his heart skip a little.

_Elphaba, tube top, _a small and slightly perverted part of his mind thought. Fiyero shoved it aside. If Ritiga listened to _that_ part, the whole façade would collapse. He tried to read the book he had started last night, and became lost in the story without realizing it.

* * *

"There she is! Right outside Unigi's!" Elphaba pointed at Ritiga. She was leading the small group of Nessa, Galinda, and Boq. Elphaba smiled to herself at the sight of Ritiga reading. How could she have drawn parallels between Fiyero and Ritiga last night? Ritiga was very different than the prince was. I mean, she was _reading_. And she shouldn't have compared them in the first place. Either way, Elphaba was sure she wasn't the only social reject, even if she was the only human with green skin. Fiyero and Ritiga can share a few traits while still being different people. 

Boq blinked in surprise.

"The pretty one?" he asked bluntly. Nessa sat a bit straighter in her chair. Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"How many other girls are sitting right outside Unigi's?" she asked sarcastically. Boq gave her a half-hearted glare.

"I'm having trouble believing _she's _the girl you've been ranting about all the way here," he said. "She sounded so…nerdy,"

"Well, she _is_," Nessa said pointedly, almost cruelly. "Look at her, lost in a _book_. She hasn't even noticed we're here yet." Elphaba knew she was guilty of that on occasion, but chose to ignore her sister. She was probably only saying that to deter Boq's interest.

"Ritiga!" she called, waving her hand. Ritiga looked up, and then smiled once she saw them.

"Hi!" she said excitedly. Galinda cringed slightly. She hated overexcited blondes… _Wait! Take that back!_

Elphaba began introductions.

"You know Galinda and me," she began. "And this is my sister, Nessa," Nessa nodded politely. Fiyero wondered briefly if she was always this uptight. "And this is Boq," Elphaba pointed at the unnaturally tall Munchkin. Boq held out a hand.

"Pleased to meet you," Fiyero said, taking Boq's hand to shake, but was utterly and completely blown away as Boq did the unthinkable.

He kissed Fiyero's hand.

Fiyero tried not to stagger backwards or shriek or do anything that would give him away. But Boq had just kissed his hand! Oh, Oz, every part of him was screaming that this had been a bad idea. He should just run away now and be done with it all, and never let Boq near him again.

_Elphaba, tube top,_ the part of Fiyero's mind that he had sworn to ignore popped up again. He used that to bar against the horrors being shown to him. Eh, perversion's good for something.

"Nice to meet you, Ritiga," Boq said, smiling slightly. Fiyero tried to smile at him, secretly grabbing at the bench behind him for support. Out of the corner of his eye, Fiyero noticed Elphaba's face form an amused smirk.

"Should we go in?" Nessa supplied, her tone indicating she was clearly displeased with Boq's actions.

"Lets," Fiyero jumped on the opportunity to get out of the awkward situation. If they were in the restaurant, Boq couldn't do anything. Honestly, he had taken up this disguise to make a lesbian fall in love with him, not make one of his friends gay! The party entered the restaurant, but Elphaba grabbed Fiyero's arm, keeping him back a little bit.

"I saw your face," she muttered so the others couldn't hear. "Priceless. Do you not kiss hands in the Glikkus?"

"Well, we do, but only to show extremely intense physical attraction to another person," Fiyero said, making up some viable excuse as to why he was so freaked out.

"Don't worry about it," Elphaba said reassuringly. "I think it was meant to be an unnecessary display of chivalry to impress Galinda. Completely wasted, though."

"I'm sure it was," Fiyero said. Galinda had expected him to be unconditionally chivalrous, but ignored displays of chivalry coming from other boys.

"Though he did call you pretty, a bit earlier." Fiyero blinked, reverting to his perverted section to keep him cool.

"Maybe he's trying to make Galinda jealous," he said casually.

"Jealous? Of him? She has a boyfriend," _And maybe a girlfriend,_ Fiyero thought. _And Elphaba's okay with Galinda being in love with her _and_ maybe me?_ Elphaba laughed, poking Fiyero's arm.

"Maybe he's the special someone!" Fiyero stuck out his tongue the way he had seen Galinda do it.

"I don't think so," he said, but the words lingered disturbingly. Not wanting to think about such things, Fiyero followed the others into the restaurant. The server, a woman in her mid-thirties, was holding five menus and was about to lead them into the seating area when she saw Fiyero. The change in her face was obvious as she fixed the prince with an icy stare.

"No," she said. "I'm sorry, please find somewhere else to eat," she said, putting the menus back under the podium. The others looked about confusedly, when Elphaba decided to take charge.

"Look," she said. "If you deny us patronage to this restaurant, you're being petty and blatantly _rude_," She put her hands on her hips, matching the server's expression. "If it's about me, then you'll just have to deal-"

"It's not you, Miss," the server said, nonetheless recoiling slightly from Elphaba's presence. "It's…ah…" she pointed around at Fiyero. _Oh, Oz, she can tell!_

"What?" Elphaba turned around. "Ritiga?" Fiyero put a hand on her shoulder.

"Elphaba, let me handle this," Fiyero said gently, guiding her aside to face the server. The woman gave him a look that clearly said he should get out of her sight or face elimination.

"Please," he whispered. "Please, big favor, please, please, nice person, please…" he used the begging to buy him time, reaching into one of his front-facing pockets and pulling out what he hoped could be considered a large enough tip. The server glanced at the money, then back up at Fiyero. Completely out of sight from his friends, he lifted one finger to his lips and then glanced down at himself. She got the message, spent another moment considering, then took the money and pulled the five menus out again.

"This way," she said curtly. The small group followed the server back into the restaurant, but Elphaba caught Fiyero again.

"It was you?" Elphaba said. "She wouldn't let us in because of you?" Fiyero shrugged. He should have guessed that he would encounter prejudice if anyone outside those he knew saw through the blouse and skirt. He could even remember making jokes about people who were gay with old friends in the Vinkus. _Though sitting here in girl's clothing…_

"Maybe she just doesn't like people from the Glikkus. I wouldn't know. What matters is, we're in now, and they have to serve us." Fiyero followed the rest of the group to the table, set with four chairs and five sets of silverware. _Oh yeah, Nessa has her own chair._

"Ritiga doesn't know Bick or Nessa at all!" Galinda exclaimed as she seated herself down, before perking up and bouncing in her chair with an idea, and seeming to get over her dislike of Ritiga. "How about we don't just introduce ourselves, we all tell one thing interesting so Ritiga gets to know us! I'll go first," Galinda calmed herself slightly.

"I'm perfect," she announced, pausing for response.

"And you're so modest, too," Elphaba said sarcastically. Fiyero couldn't agree with her more. Galinda pouted at Elphaba, before looking at Nessa.

"Nessa! You next," Nessa looked around, trying to come up with something to say.

"How about this: she's going to be Governor of Munchkinland when Father retires," Elphaba supplied, causing Nessa to flush slightly. Fiyero acted surprised.

"Governor?" Fiyero said, turning to Elphaba. "You never mentioned the Governor was your father!" he said, making sure to gesture to Nessa, too. _Too much interest in Elphaba would give me away._ Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"Does it really matter who our father is?" Elphaba said. Nessa looked at her fork, hiding a shy smile. "Well, in Nessa's case, it matters. She would be next in line."

"Wait, aren't you eldest, Elphaba?" Fiyero said, this time honestly confused. Eldest successes his- or in this case, her- parents.

"Frex would much rather Nessa led Munchkinland," Elphaba said. Nessa was about to say something in defense of her father, but Elphaba was ready for the protest. "If he didn't, he wouldn't dote on you the way he does."

"All right then, Elphie next, anyway!" Galinda said, sensing the topic of parents would make Elphaba depressed the rest of the day. "Elphaba is destined to become advisor to_ the_ Wizard!" Elphaba stared at Galinda in shock. Fiyero barely had to pretend he was surprised; he heard Elphaba was skilled in sorcery, but didn't know that she was going to work with the Wizard.

"You shouldn't tell people that," Elphaba said. "He hasn't asked for me yet or anything, so nothing's official-"

"And I fly around in a giant soap bubble! Of course he'll take you on, and you'd be an idiot not to take the offer!" Galinda squealed. Fiyero smirked at the mental image of Galinda flying around in a bubble. It seemed to suit her, though. Elphaba slumped back in her chair slightly, looking at Galinda with a mixture of annoyance and good-natured tolerance. Not sure what to make of it, Fiyero turned to Boq.

"So what's one interesting thing about you?" Boq blushed, throwing his head back in frustration.

"I hate having you people as friends!" he declared exasperatedly. "I mean, we have perfection, a future Governor, and the sorcery star all at the same table and what am I supposed to say to top it?" Galinda giggled.

"You don't 'top it'! We're just sharing!" Galinda smiled. Boq deflated a little bit, to Fiyero's relief. _He likes Galinda. Not me. Thank _Oz

"I… play violin," he said as if he was admitting to a crime. Nessa and Galinda's faces adopted pleasantly surprised expressions. _Oh, this should be good…_ Fiyero thought.

"You do?" Galinda said. "For how long?"

"About…" he counted in his head. "I think it's been twelve years." Nessa gasped.

"Really? Twelve years!" Nessa glanced at Galinda, her expression flickering for a second. "You must be fantastic!" Boq shrugged.

"I never really use it much," he said. "I don't want to join an orchestra because a full size violin is too big. I still play a half size. They'd laugh at me."

"Well, walk on your knees and you could pass in a children's orchestra," Elphaba said, her smile proving she was joking. "Wait, don't do that. They'd think you're a toddler." Boq threw his napkin at Elphaba as Galinda and Fiyero laughed. Nessa looked at Elphaba disapprovingly.

* * *

The meal continued happily, the conversation flitting about from subject to subject. Fiyero mostly tried to stay quiet, only giving his input when he had come up with an answer that Elphaba would probably like and Fiyero wouldn't dare say. They had just ordered light desserts when Galinda came up with a truly wonderful and nightmarish idea. 

"It must be horrendible in that hotel, Ritiga," Galinda said, before brightening up as a thought struck her. "I know! How about you sleep over tomorrow night?"

Oh. Oz. How was he supposed to keep up the secret if he was at a sleepover?!

"Why not?" Elphaba said. "You've never spent a night in a dorm in your life. It's really quite an experience."

_Say no,_ Common Sense said. _It'll be impossible. Say no._

_And give up?_ the 'Be A Girl' part of him said. _It's the perfect chance to get to know Elphaba better._

_And she'll be in a nightgown,_ Perversion said.

"I'm not sure…" Fiyero said. "Aren't dorm rooms for two?" Galinda scoffed.

"We'll steal the mattress out of Fifi's room," she said nonchalantly. "It's not like he's using it." Elphaba leaned over.

"Galinda's boyfriend," she muttered, filling 'Ritiga' in.

_You've got to do it, Fiyero! _'Be A Girl' said. _Sleepovers are things girls do! You have to or else they'll think something's up!_

_Can't argue with that one,_ Common Sense said.

_I wonder what Elphaba wears to bed… _Perversion said.

"A…all right," Fiyero said. "I'll do it." Galinda squealed, bouncing in her chair and waving her hands in excitement. Elphaba smiled at him.

_Oh, Oz… _Fiyero thought. _This is going to be tricky._ He needed a nightgown that didn't give him away, enough bobby pins to make sure he could sleep in the wig, get up early enough to shave without being noticed, and he had to break back into his room and make sure he moved his little 'Elphaba Collection' of little notes they passed back and forth and sketches of her from its hiding place under his mattress.

_It'll be worth it, if Elphaba loves me. _He thought as the desserts came. _This will all be worth it if it works_.


	6. Celebrity Is As Celebrity Weddings

**Disclaimer: Still no Gelphie! I asked my BFF Glindi a lot of research-questions to find out what girls do at sleepovers, and I used the best of her ideas for this scene and the next. I hope there's no hard feelings that I posted a oneshot while working on this... Ah well. What with the reviews, it shouldn't be a problem. And Wicked is not mine. -LostOzian**

* * *

Fiyero stood at Elphaba's door awkwardly, relief that he had saved his little Elphaba mementos conflicting with the anxiety of having to pretend to be a girl all night. The bobby pins held the wig in a vice grip, but poked into his scalp uncomfortably. He just hoped Galinda wouldn't try to style his hair. He had small alarm clock set to six to wake him up to shave, which he had placed in his pillow when he had gone to make sure there was nothing suspicious lying around his usual room. And, as planned, a few hours later he checked back to find mattress and pillow gone.

_Now or never…_ Fiyero thought, and then knocked on the door.

"Just a minute!" Galinda's voice said. The door opened immediately anyway, Galinda scurrying out of the line of sight of the door. Fiyero tried not to notice how much skin was showing.

"Hey," Elphaba said casually. "C'mon in."

"Elphie!" Galinda squealed, diving into the bathroom. A flimsy-looking shift got caught in the door, only to be pulled inside a moment later. Hiding a grimace, Fiyero wondered for the umpteenth time what he gotten himself into. His mattress was placed lengthwise, stretching to the feet of both the beds. There was barely a foot between his bed and the wall, not really leaving enough room to walk. He supposed girls spent most of their time at sleepovers lying down.

"Ignore her," Elphaba said, already changed into a midnight-blue nightgown, covering as much as her usual clothes always did. Perversion was rather disappointed. "She's getting ready for a fashion show or something."

"No, I'm not!" Galinda's muffled voice was heard from the bathroom. "It's called getting ready for _bed_!" Elphaba rapped on the door.

"You've tried on three different nightgowns! You're like some sort of model!" she said to her roommate.

"Am not!" Galinda protested. Elphaba leaned against the door casually.

"Are too," she smiled at Fiyero mischievously.

"Am not!" Galinda repeated in exactly the same tone, sounding like a broken record. Elphaba hid her mouth in a hand, stifling laughter.

"Are too," Elphaba was almost full-out smiling. Galinda screamed in irritation, flinging the bathroom door open.

"Am _no_-" she was going to say, but Elphaba fell backwards into her. The future Witches started laughing uncontrollably, with Fiyero standing there stupidly, trying to make sure his eye wasn't twitching.

_They're like some sort of married couple, _Fiyero thought. _Am I too late? _Elphaba was first up, giving Galinda her arm to help her up. Galinda looked to Fiyero, breaking into a wide smile.

"Ohhhh, this is going to be so much fun!" she said, pitch escalating until Fiyero fought the urge to cover his ears. Galinda dived beneath her bed, moving tall piles of fashion magazines from beneath her bed to on top of it. "To kick us off: the 'Who's Hotter' game!" Galinda pulled a random magazine off the top, leaving Fiyero to wonder what the heck the 'Who's Hotter' game was.

"Okay, who's hotter…" Galinda held up the magazine for Elphaba and Fiyero to see. "Jistun Woodpond or Darb Trench?" (**I just had a heart attack with the unoriginality of those names.**)Elphaba looked closely at the photos in the magazine.

"Which is which?" she asked. Galinda pointed from the one on the left to the right.

"Jistun, Darb," she said. Elphaba considered them for a moment.

"Darb," Elphaba said flatly. Fiyero paled beneath the makeup as he realized what was going on. The two were comparing the hotness of celebrities. Weren't they lesbians?

"C'mon, Ritiga! Who do you think's hotter?" Galinda turned the magazine to him. Fiyero swallowed, looking back and forth between the two. Maybe they were pretending to be straight so they wouldn't scare him off…

"Darb," Fiyero agreed with Elphaba, hoping they wouldn't ask him again. Galinda squealed.

"Darb Trench is indeed the hottie!" Galinda declared, flipping again for more pictures. Fiyero scooted next to Elphaba.

"What is she doing?" he whispered.

"She asks you which of two males is the hottest," Elphaba said. "You answer honestly, and she compares your answer to her opinion, which she believes to be fact. It's so funny when you get one wrong."

"Okay! Ginaldido Uchrico or YiYi?" Galinda turned the magazine to Fiyero first.

"Uh…" Fiyero faltered. He honestly had no idea how to look at another guy the way a girl would. "Ginaldido?" he guessed. Galinda threw the magazine at him.

"Wrong!" she shouted. "Ginaldido's, like, _sixty_! YiYi is _in_, perfectly aged at _twenty-two_!"

"You're comparing apples and oranges, then," Elphaba said. "if the two are in different leagues."

"Apples are better than oranges," Galinda said, reaching for another magazine to flip through. "Less messy."

"Better projectiles, too," Elphaba said. "Someone's annoying you; you have an apple, wham!" Galinda shot Elphaba a disdainful look.

"Elphie, violence is not the answer!" she scolded playfully. Elphaba leaned against the wall, meshing her hands behind her head.

"Violence is not the answer, it is the question," she said. "And the answer is yes." Fiyero laughed, longingly thinking of the question he wanted Elphaba to answer yes to.

"Oz, Ritiga!" Galinda said suddenly. "You're not in pajamas! The fun only starts when everybody's in pajamas, I'm so sorry!" Fiyero blinked at her.

"Galinda, you made that custom up," Elphaba said.

"So? Who cares," Galinda flipped her hair. "Go change, Ritiga." Fiyero picked up his bag, wondering if this would be what Galinda would be like if he got married to her.

He changed quickly, into a pale orange nightgown that almost covered as much as Elphaba's did. When he came out, Galinda was sitting up on her bed, bouncing up and down on the bed. _Would that hyperactive marshmallow stay still for two seconds?!_

"Good! You're changed! I have the perfect one," Galinda had two magazines open, one on top of the other.

"Who's hotter," she asked, holding up the first magazine. "Mooran Bloldo, or…" Galinda pulled the magazine aside, revealing her second choice. "Fiyero Tiggular?"

_Oz, save me…_ Fiyero thought, staring at his face. He had almost forgotten about that photo shoot; mostly because he had been too preoccupied with a certain one-of-a-kind green girl. Oz, what should he say?!

"I… can't decide," Fiyero said awkwardly, hoping that Galinda would forget about the question. The blonde shrugged, turning the photos to Elphaba.

"C'mon, who's hotter…" Galinda pressed. Fiyero watched the emerald one struggle with the question. Was it the fact that she knew him that made it so hard? Or what?

"Eh…" Elphaba said dismissively, not looking at Galinda or Fiyero. "Fiyero, I guess." _She _guesses _Not good…_ Galinda turned back to him, lying down on her bed and kicking her legs in the air.

"Your turn!" she said. "Answer right and I'll tell you a secret!"

"Well, did Elphaba answer right?" Fiyero asked. Galinda drew her head in, starting to squeal.

"Not telling!" Galinda said. Elphaba caught Fiyero's eye, mouthing his name. Fiyero turned back to the blonde.

"Fiyero," he said. Galinda screamed like a fan girl, throwing the magazines in the air.

"Prince Fiyero Tiggular is my boyfriend!" she said. "And we're going to get married!"

Screech to a halt and _stop_. She thought he was going to do _what_?!

"W- uh… he's asked you to marry him already?" Fiyero stammered in utter shock. Galinda's excitement plummeted.

"Is that all nerds think about?" she asked. "Questions? Some things you just _know_ are going to happen."

"Well, unless he's asked you, you don't know," Fiyero said, considerably angered that Galinda thought he would marry her. _Then again, you haven't given her reason to think otherwise._

"Ritigaaa!" Galinda said. "Just imagine, for one moment, that you are dating a _prince_! You would think a prince would date the girl he wants to marry!"

"Well, dating is all about experimenting," Fiyero tried to come up with a girlish analogy. 'Trying on several pairs of shoes before leaving the store with the one you want."

"Riti, I never leave a shoe store with only one pair of shoes," Galinda said seriously. Elphaba laughed at her. Fiyero shrugged.

"Anyway, I can't imagine being in love with a prince," Fiyero said.

"Neither can I," Elphaba said, more lost in her own thoughts at this point than speaking to them. She was staring at her hand, flexing her fingers and moving them gently, one by one. "If I do, then I'm dreaming. And dreams don't usually come true, so they're more trouble than they're worth."

Silence for a few moments.

_Is that why she's in love with Galinda? _Fiyero thought. _Because she thinks a man will never love her? _

"Well, _somebody's_ a pessimist," Galinda said, using what little sarcasm she possessed.

"I'd want to be the prince," Fiyero said, taking a risk in saying what he actually felt. "So that I could sweep in and make someone else's dreams come true, so that she doesn't sit in the corner and watch wonderful things happen to others." Elphaba looked up, expression devoid of almost all emotion, the peace in her face making Fiyero's heart speed up.

"Don't you mean princess?" Elphaba said. "Making _his_ dreams come true?" Fiyero shook his head.

"No, the princess never does anything," he said, holding Elphaba's eyes. "The princess hides behind her fan, waiting for her marriage to be arranged. Might get lucky, might not. The prince has a chance to pick who he wants."

"Like the princes in bedtime stories," Elphaba said. "He searches and searches, until he finds his princess."

"You know how there's always something wrong with them? The princesses," Fiyero said. "They're always under some curse or another and the prince has to realize who she really is despite the effects of the curse."

"Except those curses get broken," Elphaba said, the barest hint of a crack in her voice. "The prince wouldn't fall in love with a princess whose curse can't be broken."

"Maybe he would," Fiyero said. "If he only found one with a curse like that."

Elphaba was about to respond when somebody snored quite loudly. Fiyero and Elphaba looked up to see Galinda had fallen back on her pillows, seemingly asleep.

"She thinks we're boring," Elphaba said quietly, before raising her voice slightly. "All right, Galinda, you come up with a conversation topic!"

No answer.

"I think she really is asleep," Fiyero said, honestly astounded. Elphaba chuckled slightly. "I think you're right," she said.

"Well, if we're really that boring, then it probably means it's time for bed." Fiyero said, not in favor of staying awake and continuing to pretend he was a girl. Elphaba raised on eyebrow, her smirk thwarting any attempt to be threatening.

"Somebody keeps a strict bedtime," she said jokingly. Fiyero smiled shyly, glad for the excuse of why he wanted to go to bed so early. He and Elphaba quickly put out the lamps and climbing into bed and mattress.

"Elphaba?" Fiyero said in the dark, acting on impulse again. He found he was doing that a lot, hoping he had his facts right.

"Hmm?" Elphaba said, more of a grunt than anything.

"Do sorcerers sometimes have prophecies in dreams?" There was a long silence.

"It's happened before," Elphaba said. "Dreams with prophecies in them."

"Maybe you should dream of your prince," Fiyero said. "And it'll come true."

"It wouldn't work that way," Elphaba said. "I can't dream of something I want and have it come true." Fiyero shrugged, but nobody saw.

"It'd be nice if it did," he said. "Try it anyway."

"Good night, Ritiga," Elphaba said, a teasing warning in her voice. Fiyero laughed softly.

"Good night," Fiyero said, settling down.

_Hey, _Fiyero thought suddenly. _I'm sleeping in a dorm room with girls. Other guys would have killed to be where I am._ But would they have dressed in drag?

The thoughts put a smile on his face as he fell asleep.


	7. Merciless Pillow Beatings

**Disclaimer: Sleepover, Part 2! Whoo! Sorry this took so long... My life came calling again, and I tried to tell it to come back later, but it stayed. -grah- So this is a delayed update. I hope you like it, either way! Wicked remains, to this day, not mine. Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

The alarm in the pillow worked perfectly- blaring right in Fiyero's ear while apparently not disturbing the silence of morning. Thoughts, even the basic ones he had never been able to avoid, came slowly. First he wondered why something was ringing in his ear. Then he wondered why it seemed like he was sleeping on the floor. Then he wondered why there was this tree sitting in the window seat- _Oh, Oz, _Elphaba! 

And everything came back in a hasty flood. He had just spent the night in Elphaba and Galinda's dorm room without being discovered as a guy, and Elphaba was awake at the ridiculous hour of six in the morning and was watching something outside the window. Fiyero rolled over, causing Elphaba to glance down, but then glance back out the window. Fiyero took the opportunity to grab the overnight bag and bolt into the bathroom.

He didn't really have time to fully shave; not with Elphaba outside and conscious. She'd notice if he spent too much time in the bathroom. He couldn't think of anything besides a shower that would mean he was in the bathroom for a prolonged period of time, and he couldn't get the wig wet. He took care of the worst of his stubble, covered the rest with makeup, and re-checked the wig. Nervously, he glanced at the toilet. Of course. Bolting to the bathroom in the morning to go. Perfect excuse.

He flushed the empty toilet, stepping out into the dorm room. Elphaba looked up at him, this time holding his attention.

"Period?" she said, almost as naturally as saying 'hi'. Ice clutched at Fiyero's heart. He was never going to get a period, how could he tell her he was?

_Well, it's not like she's going to ask questions about what it's like,_ Fiyero thought, trying to decide if it was a plausible excuse. _I hope._

"Oh… yeah," Fiyero said, trying to sound even more shy-girlie. Maybe Elphaba would think he was uncomfortable talking about it. Elphaba nodded slightly.

"Galinda and I are on the same cycle by now," she said. "It was about a week ago. It's always funny how it shifts when you live with another girl."

_Wait a clock-tick!_ Fiyero thought, the ice starting to shift to his stomach and throat. _I did not ask for this to become a topic of discussion! _Elphaba's face seemed to light up the tiniest bit, leaning forward to tell Fiyero a secret.

"You can always tell when it's Galinda's week because she stops _bouncing_," she said ominously. Fiyero was involuntarily reminded of quick bursts of a few days where the Pink Powder Puff kept both feet on the ground at the same time. She still shrieked, giggled, and was fashionable, but there was no bouncing.

_Too. Much. Information! _Fiyero laughed nervously, glancing at the still snoring Galinda. Desperately, he searched for something to change the subject with.

"What are you doing up so early?" he asked. Elphaba glanced back out the window.

"You can see the sunrise from our room," she said. Fiyero blinked. Elphaba watched the sunrise? She scooted over a little, making room for Fiyero on the seat. "It's half done, but still pretty." Fiyero sat down, trying to focus on the sunrise rather than his beautiful green girl next to him.

"How long have you been watching sunrises?" he asked, just to make conversation. Elphaba continued to stare out the window at the sun.

"Nessa got me started with them, when I was twelve" she said. "She loves sunrises, and I had to get up to make sure she could see them, so I watched them, too. It's a habit," Elphaba looked down sadly, still out the window, but more at the lawn outside their dorm.

"Do you not like them?" Fiyero said, wondering why she would stick with a habit she didn't like.

"I'd rather watch the sunset," she said. "Sunset means night, night means sleep, and sleep means dreams. Dreams you have while you're asleep don't hurt because you don't realize they can't come true." Fiyero felt the urge to comfort her, do something to let her know she wasn't alone. He settled for placing a hand on her shoulder. Elphaba looked up, surprised.

"It's about the skin, isn't it?" Fiyero said gently. Elphaba didn't reply, and Fiyero continued. "But that doesn't matter. If you weren't green, you'd lose some of your beauty." Elphaba looked away, the less sarcastic version of rolling her eyes.

"Now you're lying. It's hard to lose some of what you never had," she said. "If I am beautiful, nobody's told me. Galinda did, once, but…" Fiyero almost broke stride. Galinda told Elphaba she was beautiful? When?! How?!

"Do you ever let them tell you?" Fiyero asked, trying to push aside what Elphaba had said. She looked up at him, somewhat startled. Every part of Fiyero was screaming to do something reckless; take her hand, hold her, kiss her…

"Shut the windowwww…" Galinda groaned from her bed, sitting up slightly. She looked like a mess; bed head, makeup-less, and groggy. Elphaba's shoulders slumped a bit, and, taking one last look at the sunrise, drew the curtains shut. Some light still penetrated, giving the room a kind of dark glow. Apparently Galinda went back to sleep.

"Why do you always do what Galinda tells you to?" Fiyero asked, hoping for some answers. Elphaba hopped down from the window seat, stepping over Fiyero's bed to her own.

"Because I always give retribution," she said. "If Galinda's not up in an hour, I'm going to beat her with my pillow. Care to join me?"

"What, two people beating with one pillow?" Fiyero asked jokingly. Elphaba smiled, rolling her eyes.

"No, one person with two pillows. Keep up, Ritiga. Of course we'd have our own pillows," she said with light sarcasm, not the biting, insulting satire he knew she possessed. Fiyero smiled, thankful she had known he was joking. The better he got to know Elphaba as a person, the more he was sure he needed to make her love him, because he couldn't live with himself if he didn't.

* * *

"Ready?" Elphaba whispered. She was standing on one side of the sleeping Galinda, while Fiyero was on the other. He had stolen one of Galinda's pinkified pillows for fear that the alarm in his would hit her. But that was only a bad thing because they would find out there was an alarm pre-planted in his pillow. Fiyero nodded, and Elphaba checked the clock again. 

"Now!" she said, and the two starting hitting the future Good Witch with their pillows. She screamed in surprise and shock, and tried to find something to defend herself with. Fiyero used all of his 'a prince must know how to fight' training to keep her from reaching anything; blows on the arms made her stop, ones on the side jerked her hand. He justified all of this abuse with the fact she thought he was going to marry her. _You've got another thought coming! _

"Stop!" Galinda shrieked, by now almost doubling over with laughter. "Stop!" Elphaba did stop, placing her hands on her hips and stealing the pillow Galinda was trying to bury her face in.

"Dearest darlingest Galinda," Elphaba said in a high-pitched imitation of Galinda herself. "It is the time of the morning to grace all of Oz with your shining face, so much like the beloved sun!" Fiyero didn't know if Elphaba was making fun of Galinda or if she meant it.

"Elphieeee…" Galinda moaned. "What time_ is_ it?" Elphaba folded her arms, mission accomplished.

"It is time for you to get a move on, or the new spring colors from Ozmopolitan will help push up the flowers beneath our window," she said smoothly. An instant later, a pink throw pillow caught her square in the face as Galinda sprung into action, attempting to apply and then hide her precious makeup products. Fiyero shook his head, before turning to Elphaba as she gently massaged her nose.

"Did you really mean all that about her face?" Fiyero asked, hoping it wasn't true.

"Well, I can think of ten thousand people who would," she said, not really giving Fiyero a clear answer. He scratched at the wig carefully, thinking of how Elphaba had always given him a straight, curt answer when he asked a question. Was that how girls answered questions to each other? Was Elphaba trying to hide her lesbianism by not answering the question?

"Either way," Elphaba said. "It's the only thing she responds to."

"Flattery?" Fiyero guessed.

"Lying through your teeth," Elphaba corrected with a smile. Fiyero laughed, trying to let go of his suspicions, but one small part of him held on. She might have been lying to him here, and have really meant it. Maybe she feared Ritiga wouldn't be her friend if she acted like a lesbian.

_And if you went through all of this only to find she wasn't a lesbian to begin with…_ Fiyero shuddered at the thought.

Soon after, Galinda deemed her appearance fit enough (and her makeup well-hidden enough) to come out.

"Let's get breakfast at Corner Café," Galinda suggested. Fiyero nodded- he knew that café well, and dared compare the menu to Elphaba, which was saying something.

"They have the best muffins," Elphaba added, turning to Fiyero. _Likes muffins from Corner. _Fiyero noted. "A pull for people considering staying at Shiz." Fiyero nodded, remembering his story: learning travel for his father's agency. Suddenly, a look of horror dawned on Elphaba's face.

"You leave tomorrow!" Elphaba said in dismay. Galinda squeaked.

"We have to do something for your last night in Shiz!" she declared. "Um… um… Elphie! What's the name of that bar with the Fruit Blend shots?"

"Oh, the Drunken Chaperone!" Elphaba said, the bar another place Fiyero knew well. He had ended up there after a few nightmare dates with Galinda.

"You _have_ to come tonight!" Galinda ordered more than asked. "Last night at Shiz, we need to celebrate! I'll invite Bick and Nessa, too, I think they like you well enough." Fiyero swallowed, wondering why the spoiled Galinda always got her way.

"I'll be there!" Fiyero said. "I just need to get a few things straightened out at my room, but I'll be there!"

"Oh, right!" Elphaba's face fell a little. "We're infringing on your education!"

"What?" Galinda and Fiyero said at the same time.

"You haven't seen the best of Shiz," Elphaba said. "You'll need time to explore."

"Oh… yeah," Fiyero said. "Yeah, when should I meet you?"

"The dorm, at five," Elphaba said. "Then we'll all go to the Drunken Chaperone, so nobody gets lost." Elphaba smirked at Fiyero slightly, making Fiyero's heart do a little ballerina twirl.

"If you get here early, I'll do your hair!" Galinda offered, bouncing rapidly. _With a wig?_

"No thanks, Galinda," Fiyero said. "I like it down." Galinda decided this was a grave insult to her styling abilities, and stuck her tongue out at Fiyero. Behind Galinda's back, Elphaba rolled her eyes and shrugged so only Fiyero could see.

_If she's in love with either Ritiga or Galinda,_ Fiyero thought. _She doesn't act like it. I'll have to find out tonight._


	8. The Gig Is Up!

**Disclaimer: Wicked is not mine. I have no idea who was the first drag queen, but he/she is awesome. Maybe. I think so. He was probably publicly stoned and executed. But the concept is used here. Angst/Philosophy category to the ending. Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

The last night Ritiga could stay at Shiz, coinciding with the last night Fiyero was staying in the Vinkus. Worry seemed to follow Fiyero like some sort of personal thundercloud; Elphaba hadn't given any sign of attraction, and he was running out of time. Elphaba needed some time to accept him as a female before he told her he was a guy. Thoughts spun around and around in his head as Galinda hosted a tiny going-away party in the back of the Drunken Chaperone, the only guests consisting of Boq, Nessa, Galinda, and Elphaba. Galinda being around did not help his situation at all. Would Elphaba look at anyone else- guy or girl - if her supposed love was in the room? He needed her alone.

_Pull a sick act, _the idea came. _Nessa doesn't know Ritiga well enough, and Galinda probably wouldn't want anything to do with a sick person…_ He would have to do this carefully...

Fiyero tried to start pulling out of the conversation, laughing a little bit less, giving his input a little less often. After a few minutes, Fiyero stood abruptly, racing off to the bathroom, barely remembering he should go into the girl's one at the last minute.

He stared at his female face in the mirror, trying to make his breath speed up like he was going to be sick in case it wasn't Elphaba. It wasn't hard; the anticipation was getting to him. A minute later, he saw the door open in the mirror. He kept his head down, making sure his charade would stand up.

"Ritiga?" Elphaba said gently, sending shivers down Fiyero's spine. _Thank Oz it's her. _"Are you okay?"

"N-no…" Fiyero could feel his face heating up. It was time to do what he needed to. He needed to find out how Elphaba felt about him. "I'm not okay."

"What's wrong?" He felt Elphaba's hand on his shoulder. He turned, getting caught up in the adrenaline and anticipation.

"I found the special someone," he said. "And… and it's a girl." Elphaba merely raised her eyebrows.

"Oh… okay," she said simply. "Well, you need to say something to her, or else she'll never know." Fiyero took a deep breath.

"Okay…okay," His hands were shaking; he could barely breathe, oh, Oz, who knew it would be so hard to do this, even as another person?!

"Elphaba," he said. "I love you."

Silence. Tick. Tick. Tick of the clock as the words sank in. Elphaba's expression was frozen in a rather collected dear-in-the-headlights pose. _Does she not love me?_ Fiyero panicked. _Did this not work?_

"You think… I like girls, too?" Elphaba managed at last. Fiyero blinked.

"Uh… yeah, I've thought so for quite a while." Elphaba bit her lip, staring at the floor.

"No, no, I… Ritiga," Elphaba said. "You've been the best friend I could have asked for, but I never thought of you that way."

_No…_ Fiyero thought. _I failed! All this effort and I failed!_ He felt like crying, then realized he had the power to do so as a girl. It was okay for girls to cry. Elphaba looked up, and noticed Fiyero's eyes tearing up.

"No, Ritiga, Ritiga…" Elphaba took his hand in hers. "Please, I really, really like you, but for a long time, I've had a crush. On a guy." _WHAT?!_

"Wh-who?!" Fiyero forgot _how_ to breathe, but it wouldn't have mattered either way. Elphaba's own eyes glistened as she squeezed Fiyero's hand.

"Galinda's boyfriend, Fiyero Tiggular."

It was like suddenly running into a brick wall after sprinting for half a mile with an impossible-to-fool Bear on your heels.

"But he'll never look at me twice… so I need to take love where I can find it." Elphaba said. She took Fiyero by the shoulders, looked him over once, then brought him close and kissed him. The stunned feeling started to recede, a beautiful warmth spreading from his face throughout his entire body.

_You _numbskullFiyero thought. _All this time, she wasn't a lesbian at all, but she loved you! She loved you!_

Elphaba broke apart after that, staring into Fiyero's face with a mixed look of contentment and resignation.

"I'm glad you feel that way about him, Elphaba," Fiyero said, dropping the girlish pitch. Elphaba blinked.

"R…Ritiga?" she asked, almost hopefully. Fiyero shook his head, reaching for the wig.

"I thought you and Galinda were in love," Fiyero said, pulling off the long blonde hair. "So I decided that you might love me… if I was a girl."

"_Fiyero_?!" Now it was Elphaba's turn to run into a wall of bricks after racing eight hundred meters while being pursued by a Bear. Fiyero simply smiled at her.

"The absolute peak of irony here," he said. "But… at least we've cleared everything up." Elphaba's face was turning a dark green, even more unnatural than her current pigmentation.

"Ozercrombie…" she said brokenly. "The hotel… Unigi's… sleepover… _the talk_!" Fiyero took her gently, rocking back and forth like you would a small child. She was trembling, shivering as if in a snowdrift.

"It's okay," he said. "We'll just pretend it never happened. As soon as I'm due to come back, Galinda and I will be finished, and we can be together, as guy and girl." He smiled down at her. She stared at the door, eyes blank.

"Put the wig back on," she said flatly. "It wouldn't do for Ritiga to disappear in the middle of drinks." Fiyero nodded, releasing her for a moment to put the wig back on and straighten it. Elphaba pushed out the door, heading back toward their table. Fiyero followed her, glowing at the idiotic success.

_She loved me that whole time… She loved _me_… All this time…_

"Elphaba! Ritiga!" Galinda said, announcing their return. Fiyero and Elphaba took their seats.

"Sorry I dashed out," Fiyero said in his girl-voice. "I felt ill, but I'm okay." Elphaba sat down with him, studying him like he was a textbook. Reaching under the table, he gave Elphaba's hand a quick squeeze.

And suddenly she moved. She brought his hand, intertwined with her own green fingers, above the table. Boq, Nessa, and Galinda stared at it, almost not sure if it was real or not. Fiyero looked at Elphaba fearfully, but she merely smiled at him, a dreadful crocodile smile he knew meant she was up to something. Fiyero barely had time to blink as she leaned in, kissing him even more passionately than she had in the bathroom.

Nessa emitted a small scream. Galinda gasped, and Boq only gaped silently. Fiyero responded in spite of himself- hadn't this been his wildest dream since he realized he loved her?- but noticed her other hand snaking up his back. It grabbed a fistful of the wig, and tugged.

And the wig came off. Elphaba broke away, placing the wig on the table like some gruesome hunting pelt.

"Ritiga Lyrufgeo," she said. "Better known as Fiyero Tiggular."

One moment passed. Then two. Nessa started giggling, an uncontrollable fit of hysterics that built as she went on. Boq swallowed, turned the color of dry wall, and looked ready to vomit on something. Elphaba let go of Fiyero's hand on the table, bringing her own back to cover her face. Galinda silently started crying.

"Why?" she asked, voice cracking through tears. "Why did you do this?" Fiyero kept his expression stoic, not wanting to give the blonde any reason to think he was kidding.

"Because I love Elphaba," he said plainly. The tears flowed faster, as Galinda reached out for Fiyero's hand. She clutched at it, trying to make him hold her hand, but Fiyero refused.

"Why?" she asked again. "What is it you see in her? There's the green, how could you love her for the green?" Fiyero glanced at Elphaba, wondering if she was listening to Galinda, but apparently she wasn't. She was practically slumped over in her chair, shoulders shaking.

"Or you love her in spite of the green?" Galinda just kept going. "Do… do you love the rebel? Do you love her because of her beliefs? I believe in Animal rights, too!" Galinda could barely speak, choking out her words.

"You remember Dr. Dillamond? He always said my name wrong… In honor of him, everyone will say my name wrong… I'll be Glinda… For the rest of my life, my name is Glinda…" She pulled his hand closer to her, Fiyero remaining impassive. "Would you love me for that?"

"No," Fiyero said. "I don't think there was ever a moment I loved you." Glinda just sat there another moment, before throwing his hand aside and running out of the bar. Fiyero watched her leave, rather relieved this moment had come to pass, before looking to Elphaba.

"I mean everything I said," he told her. "I love you." Elphaba looked up slowly, and it was evident she had been crying, too, though her expression would have shattered diamond.

"Go back home," she said lowly. "Go back to the Glikkus, with your effing father and his effing travel agency!" She stood suddenly, tipping over her chair. "You lying bastard!"

And she followed Glinda out into the street. Faces turned to look at them, noticing first the green girl running out of the bar, then the man in women's clothing. Whispers started up after Elphaba's outburst.

"_Ouch…_" Boq said in awe.

_What in Oz?!_ Fiyero thought in a panic. In the bathroom, Elphaba had admitted she loved him, and yet here she was, running away. He looked at Boq and Nessa, two of many witnesses to his mortification. They just stared at him, impossible to tell if they were amazed, shocked, or disgusted, or any myriad of emotions in between.

He scooped up the wig, the remains of his dignity, and left the bar.

_You screwed up big,_ the voice he remembered as common sense kicked in.

_Just… shut up,_ he told it dejectedly.

* * *

_So this is what it feels like to die._

Elphaba couldn't go back to the dorm; Glinda was most likely going back to the dorm, and she couldn't bear to face her. Everything hurt; the chill evening air, her feet as she ran to nowhere, her lungs as she fought tears. She felt beaten, chewed up, spit out, mashed into the ground, and on top of that, heartbroken.

_He… lied,_ she thought. _He was good at it. _What else could he have been lying about? If he could lie that naturally, she couldn't trust him with anything. She shouldn't have told Ritiga about her feelings for Fiyero in the first place!

_No! _Elphaba ran into an alley, finally allowing herself to stop running. _Stop thinking of them as different people! _She sank to the ground, hiding in the shadows and allowing herself a few minutes of honest-to-Oz crying.

_Maybe he's just an idiot,_ Elphaba wondered. _He was doing something big and daring to get your attention._

That couldn't be right… Elphaba tried to think back to the bathroom, trying to remember exactly what Fiyero had said. Fiyero had thought she and Galinda– now Glinda- were in love. So he dressed as a girl to make her love him when she already did.

It was big, daring, and sure as Oz did she notice it. But that wasn't the reason.

_He should have just asked me._ The storm began to subside, allowing rational thought. She was new to the whole 'having friends' thing to begin with. How would she know how female friends were supposed to behave around each other? This whole mess wouldn't have happened if Fiyero had found the guts to ask her about her orientation.

But would she have told him the truth? She knew she wouldn't have told him how she felt toward him. She had never dreamed of telling anyone, and had only told Fiyero's drag half to make her understand why she wasn't a lesbian. Oz, she might have even gone along with his guesses just to make sure she wouldn't tell him about her secret crush.

_Secrets…_ Were secrets like lies? Lying to yourself and pretending something else wasn't the truth? If that was true, both she and he were at fault. She was as much to blame as he was.

But the hurt was still there. Slowly, Elphaba stood, leaving the alley and heading toward the dorm. Glinda was probably hurting, too. Even if she _could_ forgive him for the lies, she shouldn't just yet; for her best friend's sake.


	9. Lesser Of Two Evils

**Disclaimer: Okay, hopefully this is a redeeming chapter. The last one should have changed the genre on this fic. Okay... When the time comes: It's the Wizard costume. You'll understand when you get to it. Okay, not mine, no Gelphie, and un-a-dul-ter-a-ted Fiyeraba! I always wanted to say that... -LostOzian**

* * *

Fiyero couldn't stand being ignored any longer. It was the Monday after he had been discovered, and whispers followed Fiyero wherever he went. Only three facts kept reoccuring: Glinda and he had broken up, Fiyero had been seen in girl's clothing, and Elphaba was somehow involved. Three days after the incident, Elphaba was still avoiding him, and it hurt. With a determination he had only felt once before- ironically, the moment he had decided to dress as a girl to make Elphaba love him- he entered the library. He wouldn't let her get away from him this time.

She was easy to spot (go figure), but as he was about to take a step, someone cut in front of him. He vaguely recognized her as one of Glinda's posse.

"Hi," she said, blinking up at him through expertly mascaraed eyes. "I heard you're single now." Fiyero glanced past her at Elphaba, who had either not noticed him enter or pretended she didn't care.

"You heard wrong," he said, before pushing her aside and proceeding to approach Elphaba. She looked up, and frantically began packing, but she had noticed him too late. Her books were only half-packed by the time he got there.

"Elphaba, I need to talk to you," he said, deathly serious for once. Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"What about? Your cup size? The special someone?" she said sarcastically. Fiyero felt the comments stab at him. Did she hate him because he had thought she was a lesbian, or had done something about it?

"Look, Elphaba, I'm sorry I did all that," Fiyero said. "It's just… I really, really love you." Elphaba put her hands on her hips, looking like she was about to hit him.

"Oh, Fiyero, is it that time of the month?" she said mockingly, eyes like daggers. Fiyero tried to wave the statement away, starting to blush. He just wanted to forget that moment ever happened.

"Would you talk to me if it was?" Fiyero asked. Elphaba continued packing her books.

"You do know that was the most idiotic thing you could have possibly done to get my attention," she said, slinging the bag over her shoulder and starting to leave. Fiyero followed her like a dog follows its owner.

"I know that now," he said. "See? You've started me thinking," Fiyero said. Elphaba stopped, staring at him.

"I've got you thinking, and you still saw fit to _pretend _to be a girl?" Elphaba said. Fiyero struggled with that one a bit.

"It's about the fake identity, isn't it?" he said at last. Elphaba slapped one hand to her forehead in fake amazement. Fiyero ignored her, going down on one knee and grabbing her hand. "I would do anything to prove I didn't want to lie to you." Elphaba stared at him for a second, trying to decide what to do. Finally, she got an idea. Fiyero could tell by the way her eyes lit up.

"A date," she said. Fiyero was about to say something about how that wasn't some sort of test, that was a reward, "but with some conditions. You must go as you are. Little to no dressing up. Two, you must let me take you wherever I want, no matter who else is there. And three, you have to go no matter what I look like." Fiyero stood, taking Elphaba in quick kiss for fear she would push him away.

"Elphaba," he said. "I never cared what you look like. You're always beautiful." He could see her eyes melt, but she smiled an inexplicably strange smile that made Fiyero falter a little bit.

"Tell that to me tonight," she said. "_I'll _pick you up at eight."

* * *

Fiyero stared at the clock, running a comb through his perfectly groomed hair again. Elphaba was a full thirteen and a half minutes late (not like he was counting seconds or anything). If it had been any girl besides Elphaba, he would have gone off with his friends and taught her a lesson in what happened when she set a date herself and showed up late. But, seeing as this was Elphaba, Fiyero stayed in his room where she would find him.

Someone knocked on the door. Fiyero set the comb down, jumping to his feet and opening the door.

There was a single red rose, being held by a man's glove. The man himself stood to the side of the door, gray top hat tipped over his eyes, the arm without the flower folded across his chest. A long gray jacket covered a black and white vest, his shoes shined like black diamonds. His gloves were a slightly darker shade than the hat and suit.

"For the handsome Fiyero Tiggular," the man said, staying statue still. Fiyero looked at the rose, swallowing. Why did a wacko have to come _now_?

"Um… thank you," Fiyero said, taking the rose and glancing at the man. The man kept his gaze down, not looking at Fiyero. "But I'm expecting someone very, very soon, so…" Fiyero tried to come up with a good explanation. It was obvious this whoever-it-was was looking for… romantic interaction, but Fiyero had no idea what Elphaba would think if she found him distracting some pervert to make him go away.

"Come now, Fiyero," he said, staying absolutely still. "Didn't you promise to go out with me no matter what I looked like?" Fiyero stopped short.

"Oh, Oz…" he said, stepping out of the dorm room to get a good look at the man's face. "Elphaba?" The man lifted his head. You could tell he had makeup on, but Elphaba was indistinguishable from the fanciful gay in front of him. No doubt her lovely hair was tucked up in the hat.

"Still love me?" Elphaba said teasingly, her voice back to normal. Fiyero kissed her, threading the rose through his breast pocket.

"Of course," he said. "Though now I'm starting to understand why this date is a punishment." Elphaba laughed, sounding exactly like a guy.

"Not a punishment! A gift!" She bowed deeply, not taking the hat off of her head. "A date with the mysterious Raphablo Pathepp!" Fiyero tried to keep from breaking into peals of laughter. She was using his own idiocy against him.

"Such a generous offer," Fiyero said. "Though wouldn't Raphablo Pathepp rather go out with Ritiga Lyrufgeo? It would only take her a few minutes to get ready…" Elphaba shook her head.

"Little or no dressing up, remember?" she used her 'Raphablo' voice. "Though I must say, you look dashing tonight." She extended her arm for Fiyero to take, which he did, feeling like some sort of giddy idiot.

"Just mortify me and be done with it, 'Raphie'," he said. Elphaba smiled as she started off down the hallway.

"Oh, no," she said. "You wouldn't want to lose a minute with me, would you? Besides, which would harm your reputation most; going out with a man or going out with the green freak?"

"You got me there," he said. "Where are you taking me?"

"Dancing," she said simply. "I think a few of your friends might be there." Fiyero stopped.

"What?!" he cried. "You… you invited them?!" Elphaba smiled, shaking her head.

"No, it's just where they usually hang out, so why would tonight be any different?" Fiyero, not entirely sure if he should be relieved Elphaba didn't intentionally invite his friends, continued down the hallway.

"Careful, or I'll decide you're too much trouble and move on," he pretended to threaten. Elphaba glared up at him, but was smiling slightly, so he knew she wasn't taking him seriously.

"You better not," she said. "It took me the better part of a half hour to find out where Glinda had hidden her infernal makeup products."

"Well, you shouldn't have told her you were going to throw them out the window," Fiyero said.

"I had good reason to!" Elphaba argued. "She interrupted our sunrise time!"

Fiyero laughed, happy to finally be on a date with Elphaba, despite the fact that to all others he looked like he was going out with a man.


	10. A Bad Situation Because of a Good Witch

**Disclaimer: Long chapter! I hope you all like it... And, once again, Wicked is not mine, and ELPHABA AND GLINDA ARE NOT IN LOVE! There we go! -happy smile- Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

Glinda sat at the table, sadly understanding that this was a classic pity party going on. She was surrounded by her 'dear friends' and boys who thought were worthy to be Glinda's rebound. Oz, most of the girls that called themselves Glinda's friends were only there to see the array of boys Glinda attracted, picking which one they would pursue if he wasn't chosen. Despite the music, nobody was dancing, for fear Glinda would frown upon other happy couples.

She stared at the beer in front of her, not wanting to think about anything, yet not willing to bring herself to drink away the pain. She guessed she had Elphaba to thank for that; she came back, at least as upset with Fiyero as she was, if not more, and had helped her progress past the chocolate and tissues stage of a breakup faster than she had thought possible. Still, she wasn't ready to let it go, and took a sip of beer, letting it replace her unshed tears.

The door opened, letting two men into the bar. One was an attractive man in an unflatteringly gray suit, but the other… Glinda gasped, causing the others around her to turn. Fiyero was here, with someone nobody else had ever seen before. One of the boys surrounding her stood up- Bick, Glinda dimly recognized- and approached Fiyero.

"You've got nerve showing your face here," he said, not threatening but warning. Fiyero looked at him disdainfully.

"I am perfectly happy after breaking up with Glinda, and I'm sorry if I can't be bothered to hide in my dorm in shame," he told Boq curtly, but the other man put his hand on Fiyero's shoulder.

"Just ignore them, darling," he said. "Don't let them ruin our evening." Glinda froze. _Their evening?!_ A date?! Boq seemed just as stunned, too, backing away slowly and nearly running into his chair. The newcomer and Fiyero stepped onto the dance floor, the only couple in the entire establishment taking advantage of the music. The pity party, completely astounded, watched as the two men unabashedly danced together.

Glinda could barely take it. She couldn't even believe that Fiyero would be with a guy after the Ritiga ploy. Was it because Elphaba rejected him? Did something snap inside of him that made _this_ happen? Maybe he was only testing her… to see what she'd do if he found a new man. Glinda stood, holding her tears in. That was probably only some random guy who owed him a favor; they were pretending to be gay to rub it in that Fiyero broke up with her. The two didn't even notice her get closer, trying to decide how best to find out if Fiyero and this stranger were really gay.

_Target the partner…_ Glinda stood half on the sidelines, waiting for her moment. In a spin in the music, Glinda grabbed the stranger's arm, pulling him away from Fiyero. He stumbled, reaching for Fiyero, but Glinda stopped him.

With a kiss.

Fiyero made a noise, despairing and shocked. The man broke away quickly, shaking his head at Glinda. She mentally ran past the list of all the boys she knew; he seemed _familiar,_ but she couldn't find a match. Was he a new student?

"I wouldn't have done that," he said quietly. "if I were you." He took Glinda's hand, guiding her toward Boq. "Here," he said, putting the Munchkin's hand in hers. "A much better match." Glinda continued to stare after the strange man as he returned to Fiyero. The prince's expression was hurt, afraid, and worried. _Like I probably looked like when he dumped me._

"Terribly sorry about that, darling," the man told him. "I didn't ask, but I couldn't stop her." Fiyero raised an eyebrow at his date, clearly still suspicious. "You don't honestly think I would engage with a female of my own accord, do you?" he prompted, meeting Fiyero's questioning look. _Oh, hopelessly gay,_ Glinda thought. Fiyero turned his back rather dramatically, at this point toying with his date.

"Oh, come on, you," he said sarcastically, turning Fiyero around and kissing him. Glinda finally looked away, understanding that she couldn't do a thing about Fiyero's new orientation.

"What was that about?" Boq asked, trying to keep himself from shaking because Glinda was holding his hand.

"I didn't think they were really gay," she said. "But I guess they are." Boq just nodded, thinking of how Fiyero would have made a pretty good friend if not for the whole Glinda thing, but he had never struck him as a gay.

"Though something's not right with them," Glinda said. "It… doesn't feel right."

"We could question them," Boq suggested, hoping that if he kept talking Glinda would keep holding on to his hand. "Fiyero and his… his…" Glinda gave Boq's hand a squeeze.

"I know."

* * *

"Now, you're sure I shouldn't be worried about you and Glinda," Fiyero muttered after they broke the kiss and worked their way back into the dance.

"Fiyero, that was one of the most disturbing things I've ever done in my life," Elphaba told him. "And Oz help me, I am never doing it again."

"Even if she gets really, really insistent?" By this time Fiyero was teasing her. It was so much fun, especially when he knew that Elphaba was not a lesbian.

"Then I will _insist_ she jumps in a lake," Elphaba said. Fiyero laughed during one of the spins.

"You're actually better at Raphablo than I was at Ritiga," Fiyero commented when the dance brought them closer.

"It's like playing dress up," Elphaba said. "When Nessa and I played, I was the dragon or monster or whatever, and she was the princess."

"So now it's your chance to play the princess," Fiyero said.

"The prince, darling," Elphaba lowered her voice a little more profoundly. "Prince."

They continued through the song, and another. Elphaba noticed Glinda and Boq join them in the second song, but they were more watching her and Fiyero than dancing themselves.

"How about drinks?" Elphaba suggested, starting to feel hot and sweaty. She couldn't take off the jacket or hat or else everyone would notice she was a girl. And pants felt strange. She didn't know how Fiyero and Boq or any other male on the planet could stand them. Maybe it was an acquired comfort, and boys wore skirts at home in the early months before growing out of them, and real drag queens just never grew out of skirts.

"The man always gets the drinks for the girl," Fiyero raised his eyebrows.

"Well, we're both men tonight," Elphaba insisted. "Which means I'll get the drinks, but you'll pay me back."

"Cheap date," Fiyero poked her.

"Take your pick," she said. "The green date, the gay date, or the garish date." She kissed Fiyero again- Oz, it felt good to be able to just randomly kiss him- before heading toward the bar.

Before she even managed to get the bartender's attention, she found Boq standing beside her, trying to look casual yet clearly scared to be there at the same time.

"Uh… hi," was all he managed. _Pathetic, Boq. I'm just saying._

"And who might you be?" Elphaba asked smoothly. Boq stopped, slightly taken aback by Elphaba's fluffy manner of speaking. Customary Shizish was 'I'm so and so', responded to by 'this and that'. If there were really people named So and So and This and That.

"Uh… Boq. Boq Hizrlo." Elphaba smiled slightly. Boq's face right now was priceless. _Wait a clock tick…_ Elphaba just got a terrible idea of how to make this situation even more torturous to the abnormally tall Munchkin.

"I am Raphablo Pathepp, at your service, Master Boq." She extended her hand. Boq spent half a moment looking at it, before taking it for a handshake. Quite out of the blue, Elphaba kissed his hand. _That's for making Fiyero panic outside Unigi's,_ Elphaba thought as Boq quickly stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at a cocktail napkin. Oz, she could never get tired of doing that. It was like scaring Glinda; the way she screamed was so easy to laugh at.

"So…um… so when did you and Fiyero hook up?" Boq asked.

"Earlier today," Elphaba said, still laughing inside at Boq's reaction. "And life has been like a dream since."

"Oh. Well… uh… okay," Boq stammered. _Oz, is he uncomfortable around gays._ The bartender finally got around to Elphaba, and she ordered two rather weak beers. Too much alcohol tonight would blow the whole charade. "Thing is… that Fiyero's…"

"Simply the most attractive being in Oz?" Elphaba supplied, knowing full well that wasn't what Boq was talking about. Ideas for more torment blossomed in her head. "Imagine, if you will, that he's holding you in a loving embrace, and whispering in your ear-"

"I would prefer not to imagine things like that, thanks," Boq said very fast, shielding the side of his face closest to Elphaba with his hand. It was all Elphaba could do to not double over laughing.

"Well, what were you about to say about him?" Elphaba said.

"Fiyero's had a lot of… _girl_friends." Elphaba raised her eyebrow.

"Well, we can all have girlfriends and boyfriends and Animal friends and-" Elphaba rambled off, using the child's definition of girlfriends.

"No, no! That's not what I mean!" Boq cut her off. "I mean that Fiyero has been romantically involved with two females in the past month!" _Glinda, and… I guess he's counting me, too._

"And this is important… why?" Elphaba said. Boq gaped at her.

"Two girls in a month?! Are you blind?!" Boq said. Elphaba turned around, leaning against the counter. Glinda had cornered Fiyero, both looking rather agitated, as if they were arguing. _So that's what this is all about,_ Elphaba thought. _He's distracting me._

"Why, Master Boq," Elphaba said, pointing out Glinda and Fiyero. "I do believe that is Miss Glinda speaking to her ex-boyfriend." Boq glanced at them a moment, then shrugged.

"Yeah," he said. "I mean… I guess it is," he said. Elphaba caught Boq's unguarded hand, making him look at her.

"Is it that you desire my company over Miss Glinda's?" she asked suggestively. Boq's pupils dilated to little pinpoints. He jumped back, crashing into a barstool in his panic.

"It's not that! It's not that!" he repeated over and over. Elphaba gave him a skeptical look. "It's not!" he insisted. He tried to calm down a little bit, taking deep breaths. "It's just… Fiyero doesn't have a reputation of being steady." Elphaba sighed, looking at Boq seriously with no intentions of continuing to force him into awkward situations.

"Tell me this, Master Boq," he said. "Would you still love Glinda if she didn't constantly have other men vying for her attentions? If she didn't flit about, driving you insane?" Elphaba looked back to Fiyero and Glinda, who seemed to be reaching an understanding.

"Think about it," Elphaba told him, about to take the beers back to Fiyero when Boq grabbed her arm.

"Why do you love Fiyero, then?" Boq asked. "Knowing he's been with other women." Elphaba smiled slightly, thinking of how she could be truly honest with this question.

"You've heard his latest philosophy, no doubt," Elphaba said. "'Dancing though life'. It's his innocence that I love. The idea you can just dance is music to an overstretched intellect's ears. I'd like to share in that happiness while I still can. Behave young while you are young."

She finally managed to leave, thinking of how she would leave the duty of getting drinks to Fiyero if you got confronted every time.


	11. Go Jump In a Lake

**Disclaimer: I finally got off my lazy butt and updated. That's the reason this took so long... I was lazy. kicks a rock Well... Yeah, it's a chapter. I think... seven of you will roll on the floor. Yes, seven. Lucky number. Still doesn't mean I own Wicked, though... Story time! -LostOzian **

* * *

Fiyero watched Elphaba approach the bar, thinking of how she had fooled all of Shiz, even Glinda. Oz, Glinda had kissed her roommate and still didn't know 'Raphablo' was actually a girl. He sighed, thinking of what his reaction to that would have been some two weeks ago. He would have done something drastic… he smiled. _Like dress up as a girl!_ He would never live that down for the rest of his life, and didn't expect Elphaba to let him.

"Fiyero!" Glinda appeared out of nowhere and grabbed his shoulders, turning him to face her. He took a step back to make sure she couldn't kiss him. That would be the worst thing that could happen tonight. Fortunately, she didn't have kissing in mind, and started rambling instead.

"You've come out! Oz, is it my fault for being a bad girlfriend? Is it Elphie's fault for rejecting you? Do you know what this means, not just for your reputation, but for your home? Think of the Vinkus! Gays don't have kids! No kids, no heirs, no lineage! Whole royal family goes 'beep beep, stop sign, halt' and it's all your fault!" Fiyero stopped her, placing one hand on her shoulder.

"That only matters if you're worried about things like that," Fiyero said, glancing to Elphaba at the bar. He could see Boq was there, his hands shoved in his pockets and not looking at Elphaba. Were Boq and Glinda up to something? Glinda squeaked.

"_Worried _about things like that? Fiyero, it means everything to the Vinkus that the royal family continues! This isn't even about us anymore!" Fiyero turned back to Glinda.

"What?" he said. This was unexpected.

"I mean…" Glinda calmed down a little bit. "I really wanted us to be together. It was everything I ever wanted. But then you go and dress up as a girl for Elphaba, and I was completely destroyed. Though seeing you with a man," Glinda looked to Boq, playing his part well. The man seemed to be just talking to him, but it was obvious Boq thought he was in some sort of hell. _I owe him one after this… _Glinda made a mental note.

"I'd much rather see you and Elphaba than you and…" Glinda trailed off. Fiyero looked at her sadly.

"You wouldn't believe how angry Elphaba is with me, seeing as I lied to her. I'll have to go through a lot of pain before she speaks to me again." Fiyero thought of how everyone reacted when Elphaba made a reference to 'their evening'. _Though I can't blow tonight, even if Glinda thinks Elphaba and I should be together._

"And even if she does speak to me again, Raphablo and I are perfect. And that's everything _I _ever wanted." Glinda looked about to cry when Elphaba returned with the beers.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting, darling," Elphaba said smoothly. _She honestly makes a better guy than I made a girl,_ Fiyero noticed. He took one drink graciously.

"Worth every minute," he said. Elphaba looked to Glinda, noticing the tears in her eyes. Sending a silent apology to Fiyero, she pulled out a handkerchief. _Hey, that looks like one of mine,_ Fiyero noticed. When did she get a hold of one? How long had she had it?

"Now, Miss Glinda," she said, holding the handkerchief out to Glinda. "To cry would mean to smudge your mascara," Glinda looked at Elphaba sadly, taking the handkerchief and dabbing at her eyes delicately. She gave it back, then looked at Fiyero once more.

"I hope you'll be happy," she said, not spitefully or with much enthusiasm, then turned away to find Boq. Elphaba tucked the cloth away, muttering just so Fiyero could hear her.

"Boq tried to convince me you were some sort of playboy," she said. "What was Glinda's tactic?"

"Accusing me of dooming the Vinkus by not producing an heir," he said casually. "She gave Elphaba and me her blessing, almost." Elphaba raised an eyebrow.

"Did she, now?" she said. Fiyero nodded.

"How many more dates can I expect from Raphablo, knowing that?" Elphaba took a sip of punch.

"Not many," she said. "And even then, only when life is getting really dull."

"And I just realized, your name isn't a perfect anagram," Fiyero said. Elphaba took a sip of her drink, giving Fiyero a give-me-a-break look.

"Well, excuse me," she said sarcastically, but Fiyero could tell she was joking.

"Though still," Elphaba continued. "Apparently Glinda and Boq are on this campaign to break us up. I say we have our fun with them," Fiyero blinked.

"What do you mean?" he asked. Elphaba smiled, the crocodile smile Fiyero thanked Oz wasn't being directed at him.

"Pretend to flirt with Boq. It's hilarious," she said, extending her hand before Fiyero had time to think of what she meant. "Care to dance?"

"Don't I always?" Fiyero said, taking her hand.

"Well, this is one of the first times you've cared to dance with me," Elphaba said.

"I've always cared to dance with you," Fiyero said. "I just never got the chance."

* * *

"Raphablo Pathepp," Boq reported at the bar. "That's the most I found out about who he is. Though from the way he talks about Fiyero," Boq squirmed involuntarily. "He's got it bad." Glinda nodded.

"Fiyero doesn't care gays don't have kids," she said. "Maybe it's another of his dancing through life moments, and he'll find some family that can't support another baby and make it his son or daughter or however the lineage travels in the Vinkus."

"It's generally a king, queen if there're no sons," Boq supplied. Glinda nodded.

"What else could we do?" Glinda said. "I still think there's something odd about them."

"Could I not be with Raphablo this time?" Boq asked weakly. Glinda looked at him.

"Absolutely," she said. "It's my turn. But how do we separate them?" They sat thinking for a little while as Fiyero and Raphablo started dancing again.

"I got it," Boq said. "Next musician break, I'll ask Fiyero if I can talk about… something…and then you can talk to Raphablo." Glinda smiled.

"Great idea," she said, suddenly realizing how to pay Boq back for his discomfort. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Boq flushed a bright and rapidly darkening scarlet, trying to find something to say.

"Don't talk," Glinda said laughingly. "Or else you'll turn into a plum."

"Well, I… I like plums," Boq managed, smiling like a fool. And Glinda couldn't help but smile back.

* * *

A few songs later, the musicians left the stand to give their fingers a break and have a few drinks among the patrons. Fiyero and Elphaba found themselves in a booth in the corner, the beers from earlier empty and taking a moment to relax.

"This isn't turning out to be that bad," Fiyero said casually.

"Say that again and your next nine dates will be gay," Elphaba warned. "I just thought Glinda and Boq would keep trying to…" she trailed off as Boq approached the booth. "I spoke too soon," she added.

"Hey, um," Boq said, trying to remember how he was going to go in, get Fiyero out, and leave.

"Why, hello there, Master Boq…" Elphaba said, smirking at him. Fiyero did a slight double-take before noticing that Boq had started to sweat. He merely leaned his head on Elphaba's shoulder, careful not to tip the hat, wondering why Elphaba had to be so sadistic to the poor Munchkin.

"H-hi…" Boq answered. "Um, could I… uh, could I borrow Fiyero for a moment?" Boq asked.

"Oh, you prefer him to me," Elphaba said as if noticing someone was wearing glasses. "Go ahead, darling, I'll stay right here." Fiyero smiled up at Boq, working his way out of the booth before following Boq to the other side of the bar. Elphaba watched them leave, wondering if Fiyero would use Boq as a form of entertainment the way she did.

"Master Raphablo, was it?" Elphaba turned her head slightly. Glinda was standing slightly behind the table, staring at Elphaba.

"Miss Glinda, was it?" Elphaba repeated. Glinda smiled at her, not letting on if she was going to try and flirt with the man who was her roommate.

"Boq tells me you and Fiyero are happy as birds in April," Glinda said.

"Happier," Elphaba said. "Like… well, like people in love." Glinda sat down, uninvited, and looked at Elphaba.

"Actually, you're both hot enough to get nice girlfriends," Glinda leaned forward slightly. _Oh, drop the slut act, Glinda,_ Elphaba thought. _It doesn't suit you._

"Miss Glinda, when will you learn that all of the good-looking men are gays?" Elphaba said. "Personally, I have never looked at a woman." Elphaba added with a slight flourish of pride, hoping to get her point across.

"No need for the honorific… and I'll point out you're looking at me right now," Glinda said, raising one eyebrow. _Hey, I taught you to do that! _

"You misunderstand, Miss Glinda. I see you, but I'm not _looking_ at you," Elphaba explained. "And ever since I started having feelings for other people, they've always been with men." _Ritiga/Fiyero doesn't count,_ Elphaba thought._ My first kiss was still with a male._

"But Raphie, you're missing out on a whole world of beauty!" Glinda insisted. "Women can be rather attractive."

"First off, Fiyero, and Fiyero alone, has permission to address me as 'Raphie'," Elphaba said. "And second of all, the prospect of romantic involvement with a female is quite disgusting. I'm still revolted you had the gall to kiss me earlier this evening." Glinda placed her hand in the middle of the table, almost as if expecting Elphaba to take it.

"Women can be an acquired taste," Glinda whispered. "It just takes a few tries to get used to it…"

"Miss Glinda, I promised Fiyero that, should you flirt with me again, I will insist you jump in a lake." Elphaba said. "And so, Miss Glinda, I am now insisting you jump in a lake." Glinda blinked at Elphaba for a moment, registering that she had just been told to go jump in a lake.

"Would you jump in the lake, too?" Glinda improvised hopefully. Elphaba leaned in close, Glinda following suit. _This might be the moment he slips, might be the moment he blows cover-_

"No." she told her flatly, before leaning back out and sliding out of the booth. Glinda flicked a balled up cocktail napkin across the table with her manicured finger.

_Damn. _Glinda thought. _He really is gay. _She turned, watching Raphablo approach Boq and Fiyero. _But is Fiyero gay?_


	12. Pick a Little, Talk a Little

**Disclaimer: Okay, chapter... yes... Wicked is not mine, and I'm pretty sure you'd rather read the chapter than read me talk. -LostOzian **

* * *

"What's up, Boq?" Fiyero asked. Boq swallowed. He didn't tell Glinda what he was about to ask Fiyero for fear she would kick him out of her plans.

"How to you keep a girl like Glinda?" Boq asked. Fiyero regarded the question a moment.

"Well… Glinda's a blend of popular and pretty," Fiyero started, trying to explain the girl he felt tortured by ever since he realized he was in love with Elphaba.

"I know that," Boq said, but Fiyero waved a hand.

"No, not who she is, what she likes. She likes things that are in and she likes things that make her feel beautiful." Boq nodded in understanding.

"She'd want to go to the hottest places in town, where everybody goes. Popular bars, a few clubs," Fiyero said. "But I've noticed she's not always comfortable there. She'd like to go somewhere brighter, fluffier," Boq tried to think of what Fiyero meant as Fiyero tried to find a way to explain it better. "Like gardens, parks. Those little dinky cafés with girly coffees."

"Pink roses?" Boq checked at Glinda's favorite flower. Fiyero nodded.

"Chocolates, but not too often, or fashion will dictate she has to refuse them," Fiyero added. "Strawberry fillings."

"Got it," Boq said, looking up at Fiyero. "And… thanks," Fiyero shrugged, a that's-what-I'm-here-for careless gesture. Boq checked at Glinda slightly; she wasn't finished, though he had no idea what she was trying to do.

"Though I was thinking," Boq said quickly. "What made you hook up with Raphablo so fast after Elphaba rejected you?" Fiyero smiled.

"As soon as he showed up at my door, I practically forgot about Elphaba," _Not strictly true… but she's Raphablo for now, so when I think of her I think of him. _Boq wrinkled his forehead slightly as Fiyero felt proud over his not-a-lie. _I love loopholes._

"Though Raphablo said you two hooked up earlier today." _Oh, Oz, the library! _

"Oh… yeah… there was then..." Fiyero stumbled, trying to work Elphaba's story into his. "And I agreed to go out with him. He knew how pathetic I was feeling, a bad breakup, another girl rejecting me… He said he'd pick me up at eight. And I'm sure of it, we're in love."

"Well, uh… good luck together, then," Boq said. He noticed Raphablo stand behind Fiyero, heading toward them. "I think I'll go get a drink," Boq made up the excuse on the spot, not wanting to be in the same vicinity as Fiyero's newest love interest. Oz, Fiyero could have him, and Boq would send a thoughtful wedding card or something, as long as Fiyero took Raphablo far, far away to the Vinkus.

* * *

Elphaba stood by Fiyero's side, watching Boq retreat for a moment.

"It's so funny how he runs away from me," she said causally. "Glinda flirted with me, I told her to jump in a lake, basic procedure…" She couldn't help but stifle a yawn.

"Tired, Raphie?" Fiyero said, lacing his fingers in Elphaba's gloved hand. Elphaba smiled slightly.

"It's not often I stay out this late," she said. "Primp, proper, right-in-bed-at ten…" she rattled off. "And I think the beer has a little bit to do with it tonight."

"Well, I'm afraid your antics with Master Boq's awkwardity are over, then," Fiyero said, brushing a stray hair out of Elphaba's face. She raised one eyebrow.

"Awkwardity?" she questioned.

"Well, It's a word now that I've said it," he told her. "Though if you don't think tonight was... enough, I would go through another," Elphaba shook her head, finally and happily convinced Fiyero wouldn't intentionally lie to her.

"Miss Thropp will be waiting for you in the morning," she said. "In a skirt."

"How about a tube top?" Fiyero asked. Elphaba hit his arm good-naturedly.

"Don't push it," she told him, and the two left together.

* * *

Glinda finally turned around, seeing Raphablo leave with Fiyero. Well, this all boiled down to a nice pile of nothing. All she found out was that Raphablo was gay, even if Fiyero was only pretending. She saw Boq by the bar, and approached him.

"What's up with Fiyero?" she asked. Boq looked up.

"Oh… well, he says he forgot about Elphaba when he saw Raphablo," Boq said. "And Raphablo was sympathetic to his recent relationship… turmoil." Glinda kicked at a bottle cap on the ground, sending it spinning a few feet.

"Glinda…" Boq said slowly. "Maybe we should just accept it. I really don't like Raphablo, but if Fiyero does… what can we do?"

"Nothing now, they've left," Glinda told him. Boq seemed to have not known that, searching around the bar to see if they were still there, which they weren't. Glinda stared at the floor for a minute, trying to think of a logical explanation for everything that had happened that night. Searching for something to do, Boq placed a hand on her shoulder gently.

"Come on," he said. "I'll walk you back to your dorm, though we can take a scenic route," Glinda looked up at him.

"What?" she said softly, not sure if he heard right.

"There's a garden," he said. "Sort of on the way back to your room. It should be beautiful at night."

* * *

Elphaba lay on her bed, feet on her pillow and head by the foot, pretending to be reading a book, even though Glinda wasn't back yet. Yes, she had promised Fiyero she would sleep, but she had to find out what Glinda thought about seeing Fiyero on a date with a guy, and was pretty sure Glinda would wake her up to tell her about it anyway. She had sufficiently hidden her Raphablo costume; the suit (Glinda would cringe) folded into the top hat's box with the hat itself, the shoes hidden at the bottom of the box of her knickknacks. Oh, that went far better than expected, in spite of Glinda's numerous attempts to prove Fiyero wasn't gay. _Which he wasn't,_ Elphaba thought. _He was with me the whole time. _

She heard voices out in the hallway, and put a little more effort in pretending to read.

"That was nice, Boq," Glinda was saying. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Boq said, his voice shaking a little. _His only flaw is he gets too nervous, _Elphaba said. _Otherwise Glinda would have been all over him the clock tick Fiyero dumped her._

That was all of the conversation she heard; there were a few moments of silence before Glinda opened the door. Out of the corner of Elphaba's eye, Glinda seemed calm, maybe even a tiny bit happy as she quietly closed the door.

That was all over quickly.

"ELPHIE!" Glinda shrieked. Elphaba wasn't prepared for that; she jumped, turning to Glinda. _How in Oz can she shriek like that?!_

"Oh, Elphie, tonight was sad and devastating and confusifying and difficult and wonderful and… and…." Glinda ran out of adjectives, plopping herself in her desk's chair and removing her shoes.

"Why?" Elphaba asked.

"Elphie…" Glinda said, staring at Elphaba much like she had when Elphaba had told her to jump in a lake earlier that night. "Fiyero was there. And he had a date!"

"So?" Elphaba said bluntly. Glinda whipped out one of her makeup remover cloths which she had not bothered to hide with the rest of her precious facial products and started taking off the day's makeup.

"He was on a date with a _guy_," she said miserably, wiping off her face. "Fiyero's gay."

Elphaba sat there for a moment.

"So?" she said again. Glinda almost fell out of her chair.

"So?! Elphie, how can you say _so_?!" Glinda burst. "He goes out with me, professes love for you, and then goes out with a _guy_!" Glinda stood, pacing with little quick steps.

"I can't help shake the feeling it's our fault," Glinda said. "He tries to be with women, but we're cruel and I didn't forgive him and you didn't go out with him, so he decides guys are easier!"

"Easier?" Elphaba said. "When you're in a relationship with someone, you don't go for what's easy. You go for what you want."

Glinda stopped a moment, looking at Elphaba strangely.

"Elphie, you just gave relationship advice!" Glinda bounced a few times, before continuing. "Though… does that mean he's not gay?"

"Well, he was on a date with a guy," Elphaba said. "What does that look like to you?" Glinda wrestled with that for a moment.

"Gay," Glinda admitted at last. "Though Boq and I tried to break them up!"

"You said his name right," Elphaba noticed. "Boq's name." Glinda's eyes widened.

"I _know_!" she said as if sharing the hottest gossip. "Boq walked me back and taught me to say his name right! I felt like such an idiot! Would you believe I was saying it wrong this whole time?"

Elphaba looked away, avoiding answering.

"So anyway, Boq and I try to find out what in Oz is going on and it's like impossible to get them apart! And they keep talking about being in love!"

"Did it ever occur to you that might be true?" Elphaba said. "That they actually were in love and you were being petty and rude?" Glinda sat there, stunned, for a moment.

"Well… yeah," she admitted sadly. "I… you're right. The next time I see Fiyero, I'll say I'm sorry." Elphaba blinked. She had expected more of a fight than that.

"All right then," she said. "Let's go to bed, Glinda," Glinda nodded, changing quickly and, most impressively, silently.

"Elphie?" Glinda said as she settled into her perfectly pinkified pillows. "What if you like something not everyone else does? Like, it's not in style or…"

"You mean some_one_?" Elphaba said, barely believing Glinda was asking for advice. Admittedly, she was apparently going out of her comfort zone in whoever she was talking about, but it was quite a reversal.

"Yeah," Glinda said, extinguishing the bedside candle. Elphaba smiled across the now dark room.

"Follow Fiyero's lead," Elphaba said. She sensed Glinda roll over. "If you want a person, go out with him. Or her," Elphaba added, and Glinda sent a pillow flying in Elphaba's direction.


	13. Hopelessly Confusifying

**Disclaimer: Wicked is Gregory Maguire's... Yeah, I think anyone with an IQ over seven would know it wasn't mine. **

* * *

Elphaba woke early as she usually did, sitting in the window seat watching the sunrise as she usually did. Thoughts of far less usual things drifted aimlessly in her head, none of them serious enough to be fully developed into ideas. She thought of the sleepover with Fiyero, watching the sunrise with him. She wondered if he was still asleep, if his window faced the east or west, and if he watched the respective solar occasion. She thought of the Vinkus, Fiyero's eventual kingdom, in the West, the land of the sunset. She loved sunsets. She loved Fiyero.

Fiyero was going to meet her at the dorm room. Elphaba turned to face Glinda rather than the sunrise, thinking how the blonde was going to apologize to Fiyero about interfering with his punishment date. No doubt that's what everyone will be talking about today. _What if I caused a stir…_ Elphaba thought. _Fiyero's reputation of scandalacious preceded him… What kind of person does it take to become scandalacious? _

Well, of course, Glinda could be considered scandalacious. Her every move was practically broadcast to the masses like some sort of holy scripture. Then there was the way Fiyero was scandalacious, doing the 'unthinkable' and failing out of school after school, no doubt dating girls along the way.

_Should I be worried? _Elphaba wondered, the residue of sleep starting to dissipate in worry. _That I would just become another in a long list of ex girlfriends, never seen again because he failed out and was sent to a new school?_

No… No, she couldn't think like that. How many of those girls had he dressed in drag for? How many of them showed up at his door, disguised as a man, and was permitted to take him on a date? Elphaba smiled to herself. _Not many… _So she wouldn't just be discarded on the pile once she had ceased to be interesting.

That's really what scandalacious was, another word for interesting. Something that made you perk up and pay attention. Something that boggled your mind.

_And that's the kind of scandalacious I was made for,_ Elphaba thought, slipping off the window seat as terrible inspiration struck. If there was any day to pretend to abide by Glinda's idiotic fashion rules, it was today.

* * *

"Glinda…" Elphaba's voice nudged Glinda's sleep, said roommate's hand doing the same to her body. "Glinda, I need you to get up."

"Elphie, quit it…" Glinda moaned, rolling away from Elphaba.

"Well, if you won't get up, at least tell me something." Glinda screwed up her face. Why did Elphie want her to think so early in the morning?

"Which matches best to my skin tone, light blue or purple?" Glinda sighed. An easy one.

"Elphie, how many times must I tell you, bright purples are unflatterifying to medium greens…" Glinda practically said in her sleep, before registering the question. She forced her eyes open, sitting up best she could. Elphaba was standing with Glinda's closet open, scanning through the blouses, skirts, and dresses.

"Elphie?" Glinda asked, just to make sure it was her roommate. Elphaba seemed just as at ease in the closet as Glinda had seen her in a library, looking for some horrendible book to bury her face in. Elphaba turned to her mildly, looking the same as ever; black braid, green skin. Unmistakably Elphie. "Elphie, are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, fine," Elphaba said lightly, selecting a pleated Shiz uniform skirt with a white trim. She held it and a rather simple sky blue blouse up against her nightgown and looked to Glinda for approval.

"Yes? No?" Elphaba asked. Glinda rubbed her eyes a few times, wondering who would have the nerve to kidnap Elphaba and greenify themselves in order to pull a trick like this.

"Y-yes," Glinda said. "But _why_?!"

"Because we have a lecture in about, oh, an hour," Elphaba said, as if this was reason enough for her to be (compared to what she usually wore) dressing up. "Come on, I let you oversleep a little. You might not have enough time to be fully made up."

_I have got to do something about that weak point of mine, _Glinda thought miserably as she rolled out of bed to get dressed and prettier-ified.

It was like what she had expected getting ready with her best friend of a roommate to be like, but nothing like what getting up with Elphaba was like. Glinda couldn't stop herself from gawking; Elphaba got dressed in Glinda's clothes without complaint, snide comments, or retaliation of any kind. If Glinda hadn't known better, she would have thought it was of Elphaba's own accord. She took her hair out of its vicious braid and spent at least five minutes brushing it out until it was a silky curtain of black. She barely spoke, mostly keeping to herself, asking Glinda once if she could borrow a pair of sandals.

"I remember you set the rule, boots with skirts aren't a good idea, though I've never owned anything but boots, so it was hard for me to follow it," she said. Glinda's jaw had dropped several inches.

Somehow, Glinda managed to dress and makeup herself as well. (Elphaba even put on the small makeup trinkets Glinda shared with her- mascara, an eyeliner pencil, and the strange green lipstick Glinda found for a costume party- causing Glinda to stop and stare for a minute.)

"Ready?" Elphaba asked. She had placed her books in a messenger bag rather than her usual carry-by-hand and slung it over one shoulder, letting it hang by her side rather than cross her chest. Another very un-Elphaba thing.

"Elphie, are you feeling all right?" Glinda asked for the eighth time that morning. Elphaba gave a small smile.

"Is there any reason I shouldn't?" she said. Glinda looked Elphaba over; for about the second time in her life, she was truly beautiful. "Because I feel great."

"Any _reason_ you feel great?" Glinda asked worriedly. She might need to get an intervention together. She had read about them; a gathering of people who supported a friend to attempt to get them back to normal.

"Today just feels like it's going to be great," Elphaba said absently, crossing to the door. _Shouldn't Fiyero be here by now? _She though, opening the door. Fiyero was sitting across from the door, leaning against wall causally.

"I thought you'd never show up!" Elphaba said, smiling. He spent a moment on the floor, just staring at her.

"I didn't want you to feel rushed, seeing as you saw fit to outdo yourself," he managed to make an excuse, compliment, and ridicule her at the same time. Elphaba tried to toss her hair, the one skill Glinda hadn't yet forced her to perfect. It looked like she was trying to work out a crick in her neck. Fiyero laughed, standing as Elphaba left the dorm room. Glinda followed her, fussing with her purse, and looked up just in time to see Elphaba kiss Fiyero.

It wasn't anything deep and passionate; almost like she was saying hello. Glinda gave an audible gasp. Something along the lines of '_What's she up to now?'_ ran through Fiyero's head. Elphaba broke, glancing her eyes toward Glinda behind her and raising her eyebrows.

_I get it… _Fiyero thought as he took Elphaba's hand and started off down the hallway. _She's messing with Glinda. _Glinda didn't follow, staring at the place where they had kissed as if someone had frozen her to the spot.

"So, kissing the supposedly gay prince the day after he gets a new boyfriend," Elphaba said quietly so her voice wouldn't carry. "What's that on the scandalacious scale of life?"

"Um…Pretty close to a ten," Fiyero said. "Though what's making you feel scandalacious today?"

"Well, you and Glinda have far more fun than I do," Elphaba said. "So I'm adding my own brand of tabloid-shaking gossip to the mix."

"And how are you doing that?" Fiyero asked.

"I confuse people," she said, starting to mimic one of Glinda's posse. "What's suddenly got Artichoke dressing up? Wait, she kissed Fiyero? Wait, she doesn't care he's got a boyfriend?!"

"Well, since you brought up Raphie, what are we going to say to people who ask about him?" Elphaba smiled up at him.

"I've got the story all figured out," she said. "Just listen carefully."

* * *

Boq had overslept, and was racing out the door with his hair half-combed and a bagel in his mouth. Shoving his knit cap on the worst bits in the back, Boq raced along as fast as he could go. _Oz, and this is one of the lectures with Glinda… _Boq felt his heart speed up a little, his legs seem a little lighter.

He kept running, careful not to choke on the bagel, and soon noticed someone walking alone. _Glinda?_ He took the bagel out of his mouth and made sure he had swallowed everything.

"Glinda!" he shouted. She turned, clearly puzzled by Boq's on-the-go breakfast and why he looked like he had been through a tornado.

"Overslept," Boq gave the excuse. "I had about five minutes to get ready so I could get to class on time." Glinda understood the excuse.

"It's okay, you've made up for lost time. We've got fifteen minutes now." she said as she started walking again, Boq beside her. He took another bite of bagel.

"Elphaba kissed Fiyero this morning," Glinda said. Boq started choking.

"She… she what?!" Boq spluttered. Glinda looked slightly sickened, repeating in a calm, clear voice: "Elphaba kissed Fiyero."

"Doesn't she… didn't you tell her?" Boq coughed once more to fully dislodge a chunk of bagel from his throat.

"I told her everything," Glinda said. "She didn't seem to care much."

"Did Fiyero try and stop her?" Boq could barely believe what he was hearing. Glinda just shook her head.

"They left together," Glinda said. "He didn't say a word about Raphablo." Boq felt oddly sick; he wasn't sure if he should try to finish his breakfast.

"Then I guess we're back at square one," Boq said.

"Trying to come up with a plan?" Glinda guessed.

"Trying to find out what the heck is going on," Boq corrected miserably.

"Oh," Glinda said. "That square one."


	14. Unconventionally Queer Relationships

**Disclaimer: I hate high school. I can't write fanfiction during classes. And I'm so sorry not updating OffBroadway, it's just this is the one I'm inspired with right now. I've randomly inserted other minor characters (ShenShen, Pfannee, Avaric) for my own devices. So, yeah. Chapter! Read it! Love it! Or whatever you want! -LostOzian**

* * *

They were all staring at Elphaba and Fiyero. Everyone they passed stopped and turned their head to follow. Elphaba rather liked the change- they weren't staring at her skin- but it was definitely out of Fiyero's 'I'm being stared at' comfort zone. They finally passed a small part of Glinda's cohort (friends was far too kind). One of them saw fit to approach, Pfannee.

"Greenie, don't you realize Fiyero is _taken_?" she said obnoxiously. "By a _guy_?" Elphaba smiled at her happily.

"Oh, Raphablo's told me already," she said. "He and I believe in something called _sharing_. Or did you miss that day back in kindergarten?" The girl was practically blown away. Apparently the concept of sharing a hot guy seemed too much for her.

"Burn," Fiyero whispered as they approached the classroom.

"Just remember the story," Elphaba said. "And remember that no matter what you do, I'm taking notes."

"What, no in-class make-outs?" Fiyero asked.

"No," Elphaba told him flatly. "Or you can go jump in a lake with Glinda." Fiyero wrinkled his nose.

"Does it have to be with Glinda?" he pretended to whine as they selected seats.

"Yes, it does. And Boq too, if you're so eager to have a party in the lake."

"What makes you think Boq will jump in the lake?"

"Glinda jumped in the lake." Fiyero laughed, realizing that was too true.

* * *

"Glinda!" Pfannee cried the instant Glinda and Boq rounded the corner. "We have some swing musical mouths with the excellent ex!" 

"I know, earlier this morning," Glinda said, seeming like a businesswoman with a prepared report. "Excellent ex and sage solitude, hair-trigger harmony outside the room!" ShenShen gasped audibly.

"No!" she exclaimed.

"Yes!" Glinda insisted.

"Wait…" Boq looked at all of them, hopelessly confused. "What's-"

"Clique-speak," Glinda said quickly. "Takes a lifetime to learn, don't start now." Boq bit his tongue and tried to follow what else was going on.

"Sage says she and Gaiety are _sharing_," Pfannee recounted disdainfully. Glinda's jaw dropped.

"_Sharing_?!" she exclaimed. The other girls nodded, mirroring her aghast look.

"Yes!" ShenShen cried. The clique stood there, obviously brainstorming because you could see the gears turning.

"One way to find out," Glinda said.

"Notes," Pfannee said.

"Notes," ShenShen said.

"Notes," Glinda agreed. "Save me to the left and one to the back." The girls nodded, entering the classroom to reserve Glinda's position.

"What in Oz are you doing?" Boq asked. Glinda looked at him.

"We're going to pass notes to Elphaba to find out what's really going on. I told them which seat to save for me. I'll let you see what she writes, come on!"

The bell tower rang the top of the hour, signaling that the lecture was about to begin. Glinda grabbed Boq's arm- he tried very hard not to hyperventilate- and pulled him behind her into the classroom.

* * *

Elphaba sat beside Fiyero, thankful he didn't want to end up in a lake with Glinda and was leaving her mostly alone. Not necessarily ignoring her, but he kept to himself, little glances and smiles all she had to bar against the terrible ideas being preached by Dr. Dillamond's replacement in his brain-rotting drone. 

A piece of paper poked into her left arm. Elphaba looked down at it, realizing it was Glinda. Glinda poked her with it again, looking pathetic. Elphaba rolled her eyes and took the note, unfolding it.

Why didn't you tell me you knew Raphablo was dating Fiyero?! Glinda had written. Elphaba smiled. The clique had passed the message.

**It was none of your business. And you never said Raphablo's name last night, and Raphablo had never said Fiyero's… **Elphaba let the message trail off ambiguously, before passing it back. She took a few more notes on the lecture before the piece of paper returned.

How do you even know Raphablo?Glinda was wondering.

**Childhood friend. The only one who would play with me was the town freak, but he's cool. Spending some time in the Emerald City before he settles down. Probably met Fiyero while staying at Shiz. **Okay, long message, but it got most of the story down. And it was completely true. She was her only childhood friend, 'the town freak' being one of her many titles. She did plan to spend time in the City working for the Wizard before strictly settling down. And she _did_ meet Fiyero while staying at Shiz.

Why haven't you mentioned him to me? Glinda was all questions, and Elphaba was perfectly okay answering them. For now.

**He never came up. **

Though Elphie, how can you just 'share' a boyfriend?! That's not how relationships work! Glinda hit the sharing thing, the thing that made Elphaba's story scandalacious.

**Raphablo's okay with it, mostly because it's me. And I'm okay because it's him.** Pass, pass.

Is Fiyero okay with it? Fiyero, having been surreptitiously reading over Elphaba's shoulder, gently took the note and added his own two cents.

**Pleased as punch, Glinda** he wrote with a little smilie face. Elphaba stifled her laugh and tried to find out what disgusticified topic the teacher was talking about, but only because it would be on an exam.

The lecture ended a while later, Glinda's further attempts at note passing ignored. Fiyero and Elphaba left, still holding hands and causing just as much of a stir as they passed.

"Now, can _I _take you somewhere for once in my life?" Fiyero asked.

"No," Elphaba said sadly, swinging their hangs slightly. "Because we'll be badgered wherever we go," she responded. They walked in silence for another moment, Fiyero thinking over the change in Elphaba. Sure, she was Glindified, but she seemed happier. Less severe and serious. _Scandalacious, almost…_

One of Fiyero's friends, Avaric, finally showed up.

"I must say, your tastes are interesting," Avaric said. "And although you seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel, I have to ask how you do it." Fiyero squeezed Elphaba's hand once.

"I don't take the bottom, I take the best," Fiyero told him. "And the best is Elphaba and Raphablo."

"Though what I'm getting at is how do you get two at a time?" Avaric raised an eyebrow at Elphaba, apparently thinking it would be news to her that Fiyero was dating another man at the same time.

"We take turns," Elphaba said, keeping her face straight and serious. "It would be Raphablo's turn tonight… or should he take it at another time?" She directed the question at Fiyero, clearly asking if Raphablo should make another appearance. Avaric recovered from Elphaba's coolness quite quickly.

"Ah, Raphablo's taking his turn at _night_," Avaric said. "Will he need to give you a refresher course, Fiyero, in how it's done?"

"You don't just forget how it's done," Fiyero told him coldly. "And would you stop asking about what I do with my dates?"

"I already know what you _do_ with your dates," Avaric tossed his hair. It wasn't a Glinda toss, it was more like a 'throw your head back and your hair goes swoosh' toss. "I was just wondering if I should tell Raphablo to take his turn during the day where you're charms are better developed."

"I am two seconds away from hitting you, Avaric, I really hope I won't have to," Fiyero said, faking tiredness.

"And knowing Raphablo, he'd hit you, too, given half a chance," Elphaba added. Fiyero smiled back at her.

"You know, all three of you should go out at once," Avaric suggested. "That way Elphaba and Raphablo gain more popularity and Fiyero won't lose too much more."

"I am _one_ second away from hitting you, Avaric…" Fiyero said. Avaric held up his hands in surrender.

"Fine, fine," he said. "Don't let me ruin the unconventionally queer relationship…" and he walked away.

"I don't like Avaric," Elphaba said simply.

"He had moments of merit, only they're few, far between, and usually influenced by alcohol." Fiyero said. Elphaba nodded.

"Strangely, I don't find that hard to believe," Elphaba said.

* * *

"Childhood friend?" Boq questioned, looking over Glinda and Elphaba's note again (Fiyero only had one line at the end). 

"I don't get that part," Glinda said. "She's called me, _to my face_, her first friend. Why would she hide one from her childhood? She seems pretty proud of Raphablo in her own way…"

"I don't get that, either…" Boq said, scanning Elphaba's handwriting again until inspiration struck him over the head with the flat of an ax.

"Glinda!" he said. "Who's the one person who had unconditionally been in the same house as Elphaba at all times when she was growing up?"

"Her… Dad?" Glinda guessed. Boq shook his head.

"Who's the one person attending _Shiz_," he amended. Glinda gasped.

"Nessa!" she exclaimed. Boq nodded.

"If Raphablo and Elphaba were friends, Nessa would know about it!" he said. "You try and set a date with Raphablo, just to talk, and I'll ask Nessa about Raphablo!"

"Genius," Glinda said, and smiled. Boq felt his heart swell with happiness. She thought he was genius.

He ignored the fact that anyone with an IQ higher than twenty was genius compared to Glinda.


	15. One Last Loop! Let's Go!

**Disclaimer: This is the second to last chapter. I know it. So scream at me know, and don't flame the last one. And I'm sorry about the cliffhanger ending. Just... read it. And keep in mind Wicked isn't mine. Or this fic would be a part of the show. -LostOzian**

* * *

"Elphie! Fiyero!" Glinda called as she ran after the couple. They glanced back, shared a look, and kept walking.

"_Guys_!" Galinda finally caught up to them, panting. Oz, they had almost made her perspire!

"Well, hi, Glinda!" Fiyero said with fake enthusiasm. When Glinda caught her breath, she addressed Elphaba.

"Elphie, can I talk to Raphablo? Like, one on one?" She asked. Elphaba raised one eyebrow.

"You still haven't apologized to Fiyero, like you said you would last night," Elphaba reminded her. Glinda looked like someone had just told her that she was wearing salmon pink instead of dusty rose.

"Right!" she said at last, turning to Fiyero. "Fiyero, I'm sorry Boq and I tried to break up your date last night."

"Accepted," he said lightly. "It's okay."

"And… and that's why I need to talk to Raphablo!" Glinda started improvising. "Because I want to apologize to him, too!"

"I'll pass the message," Elphaba said.

"No, in person," Glinda said. "Honestly, I kissed him, too. He wouldn't want an unexplained kiss from a girl on his record, would he?" Elphaba looked at Glinda with a puzzled expression.

"No, I guess he wouldn't…" Elphaba said slowly.

"Could I meet him for lunch at Corner Café?" Galinda asked. Fiyero gasped dramatically.

"Glinda, are you attempting to go out with my boyfriend?" he accused. Glinda looked at him.

"No!" she insisted. "I want to apologize to him! And since I was out of line to meddle, it should be in person!" Fiyero continued to pretend to be offended, looking away in a huff.

"Fiyero, you should believe in sharing!" Glinda played her final card.

"Okay, okay," Elphaba said. "I think he can go. And since it's an apology, it's not a date." Fiyero looked down at her, apparently surprised she was making this decision. Glinda gave them thumbs up.

"How's twelve?" she asked. Elphaba shook her head.

"Try twelve-thirty," she said. "He would want time to properly prepare, I'm sure, though best leave early so you won't be late." Glinda nodded, trying to commit the details to memory.

"Got it. Thanks!" And Glinda went off to do who knows what before the meeting.

"She's on to us," Elphaba said.

"You're sure?" Fiyero asked. Elphaba nodded.

"She's on to us," she repeated.

"You do know this is Glinda we're talking about-"

"Well, she has Boq for help. He's only half-idiot. I'm pretty sure Raphablo is going to be grilled about his relationship to me after Glinda apologizes." Fiyero looked off at where Glinda had gone.

"So what are we going to do about it?" he asked.

"We can throw them for one last loop, and then they'll find out." Elphaba said. "Now, do you still have the Ritiga wig?"

* * *

"Nessa!" Boq couldn't believe how hard it was to find the crippled girl when you actually needed her. She slowed and turned, a smile lighting her face as she saw it was Boq.

"Hi, Boq! It's been ages, how are you?" Boq nodded, anxious to get to the point.

"Fine, everything's fine… Nessa, have you heard about Raphablo?" Nessa's face grew harder as she started wheeling beside Boq.

"Yes… Can you believe Glinda kissed him? I'm not surprised at all; Glinda's just a immoral, get-what-you-want, indecent excuse for a slu-"

"Yeah, that was pretty wrong of her," Boq said, just to cut Nessa off. Clearly talking about Glinda and Raphablo would set her off and he would never find out a thing about if Elphaba's childhood involved him. "You would never do something like that, would you?" Nessa turned an admiring face up to Boq.

"Never," she promised earnestly.

"I actually managed to talk to him," Boq said, deciding to bend truth a little and edit Glinda out of the question for the moment. "He says he knows Elphaba. Like, knows her, not as the Artichoke, but like a friend."

"What?" Nessa looked up.

"Yeah, he said that they were childhood playmates, united by ostracism," Boq continued. "The only person who would play with Elphaba was the town freak."

"Elphaba was the town freak," Nessa corrected, her voice a little softer. "That's what they called her."

"Elphaba was the town freak?" Boq repeated. "Was there any other boy in the neighborhood that was gay?"

"Well, there was one we thought was gay," she said. "Spiky brown hair. We made up a song about what we would do if he _was_ gay, and sang it constantly. Drove him insane. Elphaba tried to make us stop, but the boy pushed her away."

"And he never played with Elphaba?" Boq pressed. Nessa shook her head.

"No," she said. "Nobody played with Elphaba. Except this little Cat, but he got chased away." Boq couldn't help beaming.

"Thank you so much, Nessa!" And, to throw her a bone, he bent down and hugged her.

"What for?" she said, delight in her voice as she hugged back.

"This means Glinda didn't kiss Raphablo!" Boq pulled back, and Nessa dropped him. "She didn't kiss anyone!"

"But people saw her!" Nessa insisted. "They saw that whor-"

"Raphablo isn't real!" Boq explained. "I have to find out who in Oz she _did_ kiss!" And Boq ran off.

"Boq, you used me?!" Nessa shouted after him. No response. "That's mean!" The Munchkin grew even smaller as he ran. "I'm going to wait here until you apologize!"

Poor Nessie waited the better part of an hour, before finally giving up to find Elphaba and complain to her.

* * *

Raphablo was late. Glinda tapped a high-heeled shoe in irritation, wondering what could possibly be keeping him. Elphaba had warned her to arrive early, and yet _he_ was late. Glinda glanced at a clock on the wall. It was a minute away from quarter to one. Where was he, already?!

The door bell jingled, and Raphablo finally arrived. The first thing Glinda noticed was he was wearing the same suit and hat.

"Didn't you wear that last night?" Glinda had to ask. Raphablo pulled at a shirt cuff, apparently getting rid of a wrinkle.

"I found all of my daytime clothes were completely inappropriate for a formal, in person apology," he said. "And it is truly none of your business how I choose to dress myself, Miss Glinda. If you do not accept that, I will simply leave." Raphablo turned to go, but Glinda caught his hand. _Gloved,_ she noticed, but dropped it quickly as Raphablo turned back. He wouldn't appreciate her holding his hand, even unintentionally.

"No," she said. "I truly am sorry." His look seemed to soften a little, but Glinda went on. "It was wrong of Boq and me to try and keep you and Fiyero apart. And I hadn't realized you and Elphaba were friends, and by being rude to you, I was rude to her." Raphablo smiled slightly, patting Glinda on the arm.

"A heart-felt apology," he said. "Accepted." Glinda smiled.

"Could I buy you lunch?" she offered. Raphablo folded his arms.

"Miss Glinda, this is dangerously close to a date," he warned.

"Don't worry," Glinda said. "There's a rather pretty lake nearby I can go and jump into if you feel things are getting too romantic. And I can explain it to Fiyero that it was a continuation of my apology." Raphablo glanced at the clock, now exactly quarter to one. Sighing, he slid into a chair at Glinda's table.

"I don't have time for a full lunch... How about just coffees?" he said. _Yes! _Glinda thought as she sat down herself, deciding which question to ask first.

"How long have you known Elphaba?" Glinda asked. Raphablo picked at one of his gloves.

"Childhood friends, until we hit puberty, I think," he said. "I saw a lot of her, close as friends could possibly be, though we grew apart after that. I was far too boy crazy for her liking."

"So you stopped hanging out because you were gay?" Glinda asked. Raphablo laughed.

"Oh, no, it was because I was bordering upon insane," Raphablo said. "Every time I saw her, I talked her ear off about my current crush, and she just refused to have a crush on anyone. Though I've settled down after that, and it's been far less of a… shall we say 'wild ride'."

"Did you still keep in touch?" Glinda asked.

"Of course. Not really direct contact, but we still kept in touch. I actually managed to see her again recently, practically minutes after setting the date with Fiyero. We caught up with each other then."

"And you told her about the date, too?" Glinda tried to keep facts straight.

"Yes, though I didn't mention Fiyero's name… I hadn't realized he was a prince at the time, and certainly hadn't equated him to the prince she mentioned having a crush on. And, being so closely bonded, we agreed to share once we realized our mistake." Raphablo smiled slightly. Glinda faltered a little. All this detail was so intricate- Nessa had to have known Raphablo. She only hoped Boq would be able to tell her what Nessa said in time.

The door opened again, and a tall, unassuming blonde girl entered. She stood in the doorway for a moment, before selecting a table behind Glinda, directly in Raphablo's line of sight. Glinda glanced at her once, not really paying attention, but when she turned back she found Raphablo was staring at her.

"Um… excuse me?" Glinda waved her hand. "Raphablo? Raphie?" Raphablo seemed to snap out of it, his attentions returning to Glinda.

"Oh… sorry," he said, apparently not realizing Glinda had used Fiyero's private pet name. "You were saying?"

"No, _you _were saying about sharing Fiyero," Glinda prompted.

"Oh, right," Raphablo said. He placed an elbow on the table, pressing his fingers to his temple as if trying to concentrate. "Well, Elphaba and I had considered the option of all three of us at once, but that would be far too strange. I mean, Elphaba could never suddenly fall in love with someone who had been her best friend for the longest time, and I…" Raphablo trailed off, staring over Glinda's shoulder again in the direction of the new customer.

"You've never looked at a woman?" Glinda supplied. Raphablo's eyes jumped, meeting Glinda's, before he leaned forward, placing both elbows on the table now and staring at the wooden surface in anguish.

"Are you feeling okay, Raphablo?" Glinda tried to look under the brim of the hat.

"The comment about women isn't strictly true anymore, Miss Glinda," Raphablo said miserably.

"What? What do you mean?" Glinda furrowed her brow. Honestly, there are some situations where you just _have _to; there's no avoiding it.

"That girl," he said, almost lying down on the table now. "All she did was _enter _the_ room_ and I can't stop staring at her!" Glinda looked over her shoulder. The girl had a newspaper with her, reading some article or another while keeping her back to Raphablo and Glinda.

"What's happening to me, Miss Glinda?" Raphablo took her hand suddenly, working it through his gloved fingers. He started hyperventilating, eyes darting around and muttering about possible causes of his 'lunacy'. "Is it because of spring? No, I met Fiyero in the spring, he's my spring love, but what about her? Oz, how could this be happening, how can I be thinking of her that way…"

_Oh, Boq, hurry up! _Glinda thought, Raphablo's panic seeming to become infectious for different reasons. What did this mean for all of her suspicions? Was Raphablo bi all along? Maybe that's why Elphaba didn't talk of him; he wasn't a childhood friend, but an old boyfriend.

"Glinda!" Raphablo threw a napkin over their heads, making a strange conspiracy-tent. "What do you say to pick up a girl?!"

"What?!" Glinda said.

"What do you say to pick up a girl?!" Raphablo repeated with more urgency.

"What about Fiyero?" Was Raphablo really going to leave Fiyero in the dust, just because some strangely irresistible girl showed up in a café?

"No time!" Raphablo tapped his fingers on the table. "Opportunity demands seizing! What should I do?!" Glinda just continued to sit there, having no idea what to do.

"Please," Raphablo said simply, staring at her with beseeching eyes. "Help." Glinda broke.

"Call her beautiful, like, 'Hey, beautiful,'" she started. "Introduce yourself, then ask about what she's reading." Raphablo gave her a grateful smile.

"Eternal gratitude, Miss Glinda," he said, and was gone, approaching the other girl. Glinda sighed, staring after Raphablo as he stood on the other side of the girl, talking to her without making her turn around.

The door dinged again, and Boq entered the café, red-faced from running.

"Boq!" Glinda said, leaving her table. "Raphablo's trying to ask out a girl!" The Munchkin, trying to catch his breath before speaking, looked up.

"H-he wha?" Boq managed to straighten up. "Raphablo's not real… Nessa had no clue who he was…"

"Then explain _that!_" Glinda pointed to Raphablo and the blonde. Apparently he was a natural with women, too; they caught him gently tracing up her neck to the tip of her chin.

"What a minute…" Boq squinted at her for a moment, before calling, "Ritiga!" The blonde girl looked up, blinking in surprise.

"Ritiga!" Glinda repeated in amazement. Boq summoned the remainders of his strength, running to Ritiga and Raphablo and pulling Ritiga's hair.

"Fiyero!" Raphablo exclaimed, jumping back in shock.

"Raphablo!" Fiyero countered, sounding betrayed. "Boq!" Fiyero turned to Boq, seeming to congratulate him for revealing him at an awkward moment for Raphablo.

"Fiyero," Boq acknowledged, before throwing the wig at Raphablo and scolding, "Raphablo!"

"Boq…" Raphablo seemed to beg.

"Um… Glinda!" the Pink One added, feeling very left out and wanting to add her name into the mix.

"Raphablo, how could you!?" Fiyero was on his feet now. "Ever since Glinda kissed you, I was suspicious you'd go straight, and I had to know if you would leave me!"

"Fiyero, darling!" Raphablo started plead for his life. "I only did it because you were really, really hot as a girl! It's you either way! I'd only love you!"

"But you didn't _know_ it was me!" Fiyero curled his hands into fists. "So you would run off with the first hot girl you see regardless!"

"Please, listen-" Raphablo reached for Fiyero's hand, but the prince pulled back.

"No!" he shouted, swinging at Raphablo's head. Glinda shrieked, Raphablo ducked just in time-

-And his hat flew across the room, revealing a tight knot of what was obviously long, black hair on the top of his head.


	16. The Aftermath of Ritiga and Raphablo

**Disclaimer: HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH! I am off from school and hence I will update. Knowing I left you with this horrendible cliffy last time. Right, so review the story this time, please and thank you... Wicked is not mine... I borrowed Ozma from the book, apologies to Bookverse purists... Um... I think that's in. Story time! -LostOzian**

* * *

The sudden outburst of sound and violence was followed by silence. The one they had thought was Raphablo straightened calmly, reaching at the top of his head and pulling out bobby pins, looking Fiyero in the eyes. Gradually, the knot unraveled into a familiar curtain of black hair.

"Elph…Elphaba?!" Glinda managed in utter shock. Elphaba and Fiyero finally looked at their two friends, and bowed theatrically.

"Ritiga Lyrufgeo, better known as Fiyero Tiggular…" Fiyero introduced himself.

"And Raphablo Pathepp, better known as Elphaba Thropp." Elphaba finished, removing the gloves. Her hands were green as always, a sharp contrast to her pale and made-up face.

"Elphie, how did you find my makeup?!" Glinda demanded. Elphaba shook her head, turning to Fiyero.

"That's the first thing she asks about, the makeup," Elphaba said casually. "Not about why, not about how the story fits, but the makeup."

"Why _did_ you cross-dress?" Boq asked. Elphaba smiled.

"Punishment," Elphaba said. "Fiyero made up a new identity as Ritiga, and… I got upset. So he had to go on a date with a guy to earn my trust back."

"So… so I kissed _you_, Elphie?!" Glinda exclaimed. Elphaba smiled.

"Yes, you did, Glinda," she said. Glinda started to look sick.

"Careful, Glinda, or else you'll turn into Elphaba's twin," Fiyero said, and Elphaba bopped him.

"Though what was all that a second ago?" Boq said. "The flirting, the shouting, the hitting…"

"Staged," Fiyero said. "All the stuff about Elphaba running off with a girl were lines."

"How did you figure out Raphablo might be fake?" Elphaba asked.

"Well, if you had a childhood friend, Nessa would have known about it," Boq said. "I talked to her." Elphaba started laughing.

"Oh, Oz…" she said. "I forgot Nessa would have known about a childhood friend! That was so obvious, I should have told her about it or at least done _something_!"

"Though what was all of that about being boy crazy and not keeping in touch?" Glinda asked. Everyone looked at Elphaba.

"Well, I kind of equated Raphablo with growing up and hormones," Elphaba said. "The Raphablo side of me was boy crazy, while I kept trying not to have crushes. I managed to master 'him' in a few years, but recently, I fell in love with Fiyero," Elphaba looked to Fiyero. "And so did Raphablo."

"And Ritiga fell in love with you and Raphablo, too," Fiyero said, taking a few steps toward Elphaba.

"Oz, you're both insane!" Boq said, laughing slightly. "You've both got multiple personality disorder!" Elphaba looked at him.

"Is that supposed to make us any less sane, Master Boq?" 'Raphablo' said in his surprisingly masculine voice.

"Go find a nice corner with Glin-Glin, I suspect we're going to be busy for a while…" 'Ritiga' added her opinion, giving Boq a little wink. Boq slapped a hand over his eyes exasperatedly.

"Let's go, Glinda," he said. "Before we lose our minds, too."

They left the café, and a waitress suddenly cried out, apparently sobbing.

"That was better than any tabloid I have seen in years!" she cried, starting to applaud Elphaba and Fiyero. They looked at each other.

"And Boq said we were crazy…" Elphaba said, shaking her head.

* * *

_"So here's how it went: I managed to talk to Gaiety at a café, until a random Miri-Sé came in, and he started going super love-love for her-"_

_"Wait, isn't Gaiety exactly that? Gay?"_

_"I'm getting to it! So Gaiety goes off to flirt with the Miri-Sé, when Ravishing Rebound comes and cops out the Miri-Sé as Excellent Ex in drag-"_

_"Excellent ex dressed as a girl?!"_

_"Stop interrupting already! I'll tell you about that later! So Miri-Sé is Excellent Ex, but it turns out that Gaiety and Sage Solitude was the same person all along!"_

_"Sage Solitude is a guy!? Oh, Glinda, but you two share a room! He could have done-"_

_"No! _Gaiety_ was a _girl!_ So they both dress in drag, they both love each other, and Ravishing Rebound thinks they should be locked up in a mental institution for being two-in-one deals."_

_"Sweet Oz, Glinda, there should be some sort of _show_ about all the insanified stuff that happens in your life!"_

_"Oh, no, there shouldn't…"_

_"It'd be fantasticified, Glinda! Probably the highest selling musical in history, higher than what The Wizard of the Opera sold in it's first year!"_

_"Girls, stop!"_

_"And it'd get nominated for all these awards!"_

_"And we'll call it, 'Goodness! The Life and Times of Glinda Upland!'"_

_"The name sells itself…" _

_"Oh, come on, does this really center on me?"_

_"_Everything_ centers on you, Glinda! It's not important if it doesn't!"_

_"No, but honestly, this was all about Sage and Excellent and cross-dressing! Not about me…"_

_"Oh."_

_"Got it…" _

_"Glinda, let's get ice cream!"_

* * *

_**Three Weeks Later…**_

The OzDust was filled with people dressed in every costume imaginable. Boq and Glinda milled around amidst the crowd, Boq in a shining knightly breast plate with a cape and Glinda in a pink princess's dress, chatting with others and complimenting the costume pairs of other couples.

"They honestly should be here by now…" Glinda said to Boq again.

"Even if they aren't, they should be announced soon," Boq said, looking up to the stairs. The announcer reappeared at the top to announce what the newly arriving guests were supposed to be dressed as so there was no confusion.

"Announcing His Ozness, the Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz, and the Great Ozma Tippetarius!" the announcer said, sweeping aside for the guests to enter.

"That has to be them…" Glinda said to Boq.

The couple that entered the room were odd by anyone's standards; the room grew silent as they tried to figure out who it was beneath the costumes. The man, or the Wizard, was dressed in a knee-length emerald coat with gold ribbons hanging off his shoulders. His jet black hair was slicked back, and his head was adorned by a pointy black hat with green and gold ribbons winding up its conical slope. He wore nice white gloves with small gold buttons at the wrist.

Ozma Tippetarius was a bit taller than His Ozness, wearing a high-collared green velvet gown to match the Wizard. Small strands of green and gold thread were woven into her shoulder-length blonde hair, her blue eyes glittering as she surveyed the crowd. Still, she didn't look quite as Gillkinese as the Ozmas usually did; her skin was a bit tanner, more characteristic of people from the Vinkus.

Boq and Glinda burst out laughing, distracting attention from the famed Leaders of Oz, present and potentially future.

"They cross-dressed... _cross-dressed_…" Glinda managed, trying to bury her face into Boq's shoulder yet instead mashing her nose against the metal.

"Again!" Boq added. One of Glinda's lackeys who had received the original encoded report of the great discoveration of Raphablo (and was now dressed as a rather skimpy bunny) suddenly pointed.

"It's Fiyero and Elphie! In drag!" The Wizard and Ozma Tippetarius bowed and curtsied respectively, before descending the stairs into the Shiz Costume Party. Everyone applauded, knowing that it was no question of who had the best- or at least most daring- costumes tonight.

"Oh, Elphie! Fiyero! It's perfect!" Glinda dragged Boq with her to be one of the first to greet her friends. Elphaba pointed a finger at Glinda dramatically.

"Tonight, I am not Elphie!" she said with good-natured mocking, the old Raphablo voice tweaked a little. "I am Oz! The Great and Terrible!"

"No power-tripping, Fae," Fiyero said, wrapping his arms around Elphaba's waist. "It's just a costume party. You two look great, by the way." Boq was going to place his hands behind his head in a relaxed way when the armor gave a loud, complaining squeak.

"You shouldn't have used tin for the armor, 'Sir Hizrlo'," Elphaba said.

"Well, excuse me for not going over-the-top like some people did," he said, looking from Elphaba to Fiyero.

"Now, be nice," Glinda cautioned, before taking Boq's hand. "Let's dance."

* * *

"And how's our little green girlie, how's she doing?" the Wizard asked, sitting in front of the giant head for Morrible's report as opposed to behind it, as he did for any other of his advisors. 

"Her talents have been developing well, and she's almost ready, but…" Morrible paused.

"But?" the Wizard prompted.

"It's a long story, Your Ozness. I'll try to start at the beginning," Morrible said. "Around the time of spring break, the students developed a joke that Miss Thropp chose her own gender and could change it at will."

"Whoo," the Wizard said, impressed and slightly disturbed. "So she might not be a green _girlie _when she arrives?"

"Your Ozness, I can assure you, Miss Thropp has no such power to change her gender. It has never been done in the history of sorcery itself; sorcerers of equal or greater power existed centauries ago and they couldn't do it. It suggests a cross-dressing fetish, referencing an incident where she pretended to be male."

There was a long and exponentially awkward pause.

"Oh," the Wizard said. "So… what does that make her? Lesbian?"

"No." Morrible's lip curled, the unpleasant yet necessary details of Elphaba's personal life on her mind. "She now has a boyfriend that participates in her little hobby by dressing as the female. It's rather absurd, but I have no power to tell them what to do with their own time. But the point of this story, Your Ozness, is that she recently attended a costume party dressed as you."

"As me? How on earth would she know what I dress like?" Morrible paused the slightest second to translate. _'On earth' means 'in Oz'. _Honestly, it was so hard to understand what the Wizard was saying when he used little expressions like that.

"She didn't. It was a rather fanciful, made-up costume, like some set of royal robes. It suggests powers we both know you _don't _have, and can't _pretend _to have if we truly intend on having her meet you."

"So… the point is that she looks up to me like every good little Ozian child?" the Wizard guessed. Morrible blinked.

"Oh, no… My apologies for stopping the story there. The point is, we need to have her meet you as you are before stereotypes such as the one she portrayed become too deeply imbedded in her mind to be changed."

"Alrightie then. Send her a ticket. Hell, send her two. She might want that boyfriend of hers to come. It might be interesting to meet him. And they might cross-dress." The Wizard smiled, wondering at the spectacle. If he was only a decade or so younger, he might do the same and blow their minds.

"Your Ozness, might I suggest that I ask her to bring her friend, Glinda Upland, instead? She has a speck of power, and would probably be a good candidate to influence Miss Thropp in our direction. The boyfriend might try to encourage Miss Thropp to decline should this prove against her beliefs."

"Do what you must, Madame." Morrible curtsied, then turned to leave.

"It was actually quite surprising, Your Ozness," she said as she left. "I managed to see the costume, and she did resemble you slightly."

"She got my style right?" The Wizard said, straightening his lab coat.

"No," Morrible turned, a few feet from the door. "Her features were a bit more feminine, but for all intents and purposes, she looked like you."

With that, Morrible was gone.

* * *

**The plot of Wicked remains relatively unchanged. Relatively. But everything turns out the way it did in the musical. Because I'm too lazy to re-write Wicked, and it'll stop being a humor fic if I do. -LostOzian**


	17. Bonus Chapter: Evident Beauties

**Disclaimer: Okay... So WFA ended, and Princess won Best Humor (thankies!) so I was sitting there thinking, "I should add a bonus chapter because everyone loved this story!" but then I wasn't exactly inspired, and everything I tried to write was horribly, horribly OOC, and then yesterday during Biology we were watching a claymation video about DNA and I practically fell out of my chair this idea was so much better than its pedecessors, and I went home and I wrote it, and I edited it, and now it's here.**

**And everyone sitting there going "I like O-BB better than this, why isn't that stupid excuse for an authoress working on _that_?" rest assured: I see RENT tonight on stage with my family and then again the next night with My Glindi, so that'll help get me inspired and Joanne's re-edition of Popular should get moving. I do have a page. MoJo's telling secrets.**

**And the random OC at the beginning, Ecric, is just used as a narrator POV. He has no consequence whatsoever. Just... Forget about him once you're done. STORY TIME! -LostOzian**

* * *

Ecric waited outside the stage door for the lead dancer of the night to leave. He had heard near-mythic tales at the Evident Beauty (an oxymoronically popular gay bar in the Emerald City, famous for cross-dressed staff) of a drag dancer, Ritiga, who was second to none. It was impossible to predict her performance schedule-she dropped in when it suited her-and not even the management knew her male name. Everyone just referred to her by her female alias, Ritiga. After seeing Ritiga dance for the first time, Ecric was blown away. He had to find out more about her, and so he was shivering in a back alley, ignoring other dancers as they left, and waiting for the queen of the drag queens to leave.

The door opened, showing (to Ecric's joy) Ritiga. She was dressed a little less flirtatiously that the costume she had worn onstage, but the plain blue skirt and white blouse looked mostly for comfort. She was saying goodbye to some of her co-workers inside, then turned to see Ecric.

"Miss Ritiga?" Ecric checked. It was obvious it was her, though; Ecric was quite surprised by how tall she was in reality. Sitting a few rows back, Ecric never would have guessed they were even at eye level, and Ecric was one who prided himself on being tall.

"Yeah…" she said slowly. "Do I know you?"

"N-no, you don't, actually…" Ecric cursed himself for stammering. "I'm Ecric. I wanted to talk to you… Could I walk you home?" Ritiga leaned against the wall.

"I'm one of those stranger-danger freaks," Ritiga said. "So I'll stay right here where you talk to me all you want, but the management would hear me scream."

"Fair enough," Ecric sighed. "I just wanted to tell you, you're a great dancer." Ritiga smiled shyly. "How'd you end up at Evident Beauty?" Ritiga kicked her foot a little bit- flats, since she was so tall already- wrestling with what to tell him.

"Actually…" Ritiga said. "I don't need the job. I just… love dancing, so I get out when I can, but sometimes I can't make it."

"You have a day job?" Ritiga nodded. "What's the day job?"

"You'd _never_ believe it. I'm Gale Force," she said. "It sucks worse than a hangover, though."

"I thought Gale Force only took men," Ecric said, confused.

"I know," Ritiga's voice sounded completely different for those two words, her pitch at the opposite end of the spectrum in masculinity.

"Oh, so you _moonlight_ as a drag queen," Ecric checked. Ritiga nodded enthusiastically.

"Just for the shows," she said, sounding 'normal' again. Ecric hadn't even guessed that she was faking a feminine voice, having heard some rather girly-sounding men. He just nodded thoughfully, wondering if he would be too bold in saying what he wanted to say.

"You know, they might kick you out of the Gale Force if you had a boyfriend," he said, hoping he looked charming. Ritiga laughed and smiled sympathetically.

"No, they'd just punish me. They aren't kicking anyone out right now; they need everyone for all the big sweeps scheduled." Ritiga looked at a watch, then back up at Ecric.

"I have to go," she said. "Nice meeting you, and I'm glad you enjoyed the show!"

"No, my pleasure!" Ecric said, and Ritiga started off down the street. He stared after her for a minute, thinking as fast as he could.

_Don't do it._

_**Why not?**_

_****__She said she hates strangers._

_**But I'm not a stranger.**_

_You barely know her._

_**How am I supposed to get to know her better?**_

_Don't do it!_

But Ecric had already started off down the alley, following her at a distance.

_I _said_ don't do it! Idiot!_ But Ecric continued to follow her. She stayed completely on main roads, most still pretty crowded even at this hour of night, and tried to blend in, but Ecric was watching for her, and she was pretty easy to keep an eye on if you knew to look for her. She continued on for a long time, moving surprisingly fast, when she suddenly turned into a back alley behind the Emerald Palace. Confused, Ecric stayed as close to the shadowed walls as possible.

The alley was completely empty except for Ritiga, a Gale Force guard, and Ritiga's hidden stalker. Ritiga was walking toward the guard in a businesslike manner, rummaging in her purse for something. Ritiga had said her male self was Gale Force… but was she counting on the guard to mistake her for a biological female? The guard spoke first.

"'Ow'd it go tonight, Cap'n?" he asked in a heavy accent (**British** **cockney**). _Captain?_

"Pretty well," Ritiga dropped her female voice, speaking like a man. The picture was so odd. Ritiga pulled out an envelope, which she gave to the guard. The guard opened it and took out some money, starting to count it as Ritiga kept talking in her male voice.

"I'm hoping to take advantage of your week while I can," Ritiga said conversationally. "Maybe work tomorrow-" Ritiga's sentence was interrupted by a yawn. "…Then again, I'll take tomorrow off and work again the next day." The guard put the money back in the envelope and slipped it inside his coat.

"Lookin' forward to it, Cap'n," he said as Ritiga reached up to remove her wig. Ecric suppressed a gasp as he recognized the male face as one of the most attractive celebrities he knew; the Captain of the Gale Force Guard, Fiyero Tiggular. The guard let Fiyero inside the palace gate. The Captain unlocked an old cellar door, and disappeared inside.

Ecric stepped out from the shadows. The guard noticed him, but buried any surprise or fear before Ecric got too close.

"Ritiga is _Captain _of the Gale Force?!" he hissed. "_Fiyero Tiggular_ dances at a gay bar?!" The guard looked at him mulishly, his eyes dull.

"Sir, I must ask you to stop ravin' before I 'ave you removed," he said. Ecric stamped his foot.

"Oh, stop the act! I know what I saw, and may the Wizard smite me down and Wicked Witch reanimate my corpse, I won't tell a soul!"

"And how do I know you're not lyin'?" the guard pressed. Ecric folded his arms cockily.

"I like watching him dance too much," he said as if it were obvious. "If I tell, Ritiga can't come and dance anymore." The guard looked down, a smile coming to his mouth. "What?" Ecric demanded.

"That's as good a reason as any," the guard said. "Only… the Cap'n didn't tell me all the details, and you have to swear you won't go tellin' him."

"If he has a soul, I won't tell him. And I think he has a soul." The guard acknowledged the witticism.

"The story goes, back in school, college, y'see, the Cap'n was involved with a girl," he said. "And they would cross-dress with each other, kind of to prove they would love each other no matter what they looked like. 'E was a girl, she was a girl; 'e was a girl, she was a guy; 'e was a guy, she was a girl, I think you got it," the guard said. Ecric nodded, slightly disappointed that the Captain seemed straight, even if in a roundabout way.

"Well… somethin' 'appened to the poor lass. I'm not sure what, 'e won't tell me, but she's gone. And the Cap'n misses her somethin' fierce. So 'e dresses as his female half, Ritiga, and goes out on the town. Not sure why, but if it eases his mind, I can't do much about it."

"Or at least, you won't do much about it," Ecric said. "It looks like he passes on his paycheck to you."

"If I can trust you further, I don't do it for the money no more," the guard confided. "At first, it was somethin' to convince me that it was okay to let the Cap'n sneak around in skirts and a wig, but now… I notice how _gloomy_ he is. Usually at the end of meetin's, or walking down a hall when he thinks nobody else is around… I'd do anything to get him feelin' better." Ecric nodded.

"Okay, now I won't tell, for fear of the Captain torturing me, _then _the Wizard smiting, and _then _the Witch using my body as an undead soldier." Ecric said. The guard's mouth twitched.

"There's a good man," the guard said. "Now get out of here… My shift ends in an hour, and I'm the only guard stationed here that knows about our Cap'n's plight. Next fellow won't be so friendly." Ecric nodded, and left the alleyway, melting back into the crowd.

Ritiga was the Captain of the Gale Force. The most decorated military advisor of the Wizard danced for gay men whenever he could. Unbelievable.

But at least now he would know to be in the Evident Beauty the night after tomorrow.

* * *

"You have no idea how much I've missed you, Fae," Fiyero said as soon as the two of them were back on solid ground again after their daring flight out of the Wizard's throne room.

"About as much as I've missed you, I'm sure," Elphaba said, propping the broom up against the tree.

"No, think about it," Fiyero said. "In not running for my life. I've had more _time _to miss you." He pulled Elphaba close to him and the two kissed, remembering a time when they got to do this whenever they wanted. After they broke, Fiyero continued, "I think I went kind of crazy." Elphaba raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? Crazy?" Elphaba leaned against his chest, swaying slightly to an unheard beat. "How?"

"Well, Boq got called back to Munchkinland for census and Glinda had to stay in the City, she became rather bad company when she stopped getting letters from him. She was so worried, I didn't know how to comfort her… Morrible started trying to encourage me into marriage, always having eligible girls around my age at all the parties… So I started doing things that reminded me of Shiz." Fiyero kissed her forehead a few times.

"What, exactly?" Elphaba asked. "What defined Shiz for you?"

"Dancing," Fiyero said. "And Ritiga. Essentially, the four of us when we were together." Elphaba knew who 'the four of us' was; herself and Raphablo, and Fiyero and Ritiga.

"So what did you do about it?" Elphaba listened to his heartbeat, steady and sure.

"I would become Ritiga," Fiyero said. "And then find a way to dance. It was too risky to do it in the palace; nobody would understand, except Glinda, and she was still moping. I tried to get a guard to trust me and let me in and out, but he wanted money. I paid him, but then I got an idea."

"Ideas… I remember your ideas, and they were always for the better yet never turned out right." Elphaba said.

"This one worked," Fiyero said. "I worked at a gay bar. I paid the guard whatever I earned, and he just let me in and out whenever he was on duty. Nobody found out it was me."

Elphaba pulled away from him, holding him at arm's length. Fiyero studied her face, trying to find out what she thought about it. The only reason he told her was she would have been upset if he hid it from her.

"Fiyero Tiggular, you are one of the biggest idiots in all of Oz," she said. Fiyero tried to look repentant when Elphaba continued, changing her voice to Raphablo, "Though I might have wanted to see that…"

"I just found out how to handle you," Fiyero said. "Appeal to Raphablo."

"Then how do I handle you?" Elphaba asked. "Only fair you tell me."

"You kiss me," Fiyero said. "That's all it takes."

And Elphaba kissed him.


End file.
